The School Girl Player

Done ⚠️⚠️

Marinette's POV

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*TW self-harm/suicidal thoughts**

I didn't want to be alone, I didn't trust myself anymore. I'm done with every thought, nightmare, flashback, all of it! I was so stupid, I should have listened to everyone when they said he was dangerous but did I? No, because I'm an idiot. I put too much pressure on Adrien, he chose to stay at the school. Even my parents don't care. I'm alone to do whatever I want. No one cares for me anymore, do they? I didn't know what to do anymore. I can't just stop everything. Unless I stop my heart. I didn't want to be here anymore but I couldn't leave Adrien, something is going on and I can tell. He just won't talk about it. He's the only reason I'm still here right now. I have days where I wished I never woke up when I was hit. I was so weak and that's when people hurt me the most. I wanted to hurt myself so badly but knew I wouldn't be able to hide it from Adrien. I could just end it. I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. I had no energy right now to move. I felt drained both mentally and physically. I can't feel anything at all. I just feel numb. I don't know what to do or what to feel. My parents are downstairs and all my friends are busy at school. I knew which class they were in and knew that they couldn't have their phones on them. I was sick of all this pain and I had nowhere to let it out. I've already stopped eating but it wasn't doing enough. I was a huge disappointment to my family. First I date Luka, then my grades dropped, then I became a player, and now I was nothing. How could people care about someone like me? I was just a mess of a person. I'm broken inside and out. I wanted to go downstairs and ask my parents for help but I didn't. I just stood there in my room and then I walked to my desk to draw. Once I sat down I had no motivation to do anything anymore. I started to feel numb. There was a voice in my head telling me that I was alone and there was no one to help me. It kept telling me to hurt myself over and over again. I looked around my room and saw my medication from when I had my concussion. Thoughts were going through my head and I was tempted to go over and take them but I chose not to. I couldn't do that to Adrien. I was tired though, I just needed to revert back to my old coping ways. Although those ways didn't make me feel anything, at least not right away. I needed something right now to give me an emotion. I walked over to my desk and started looking around for a pencil sharpener. The small voice kept saying to find one and break it. When I couldn't find one, I went down to ask my mom for one.

"Mama? My pencil broke and I couldn't find a sharpener. Is there one around the house?"

"Oh, yea in the drawer over there." She pointed to a drawer and I went over and opened it. I saw multiple in there and noticed that all the ones that were in my room were down here.

"Mama, is this why I couldn't find mine?"

"Oh yea. Adrien brought them down the other day." That boy is too good for me. He knew I might have tried something after my last "episode."

"Oh Marinette. You better bring it back. I know you won't do anything but I'm just being safe." I saw her give dad a look and I knew what it meant.

"I won't Mama." She nodded at me and made sure I took only one. Little did she know I grabbed one before she turned around to talk to me. I went back up to my room and found a random pencil to sharpen. When I looked up I saw my dad entering my room.

"I'm done with it." I said passing it back over. He thanked me and went back downstairs. I heard him talking to mom and knew he was telling her that I only used it for the pencil.

"Marinette, what are you doing?" Tikki flew out of her hiding spot.

"Nothing Tikki."

I looked around my room for something to unscrew it. The minute I had just that in my hand I stood there staring at it for 10 minutes. I didn't even know where I'd hide it, so I'd need to figure that out first. I couldn't go on my arms or stomach. I thought the best place would be on the side of my hip. I could still wear whatever I wanted and it would be back far enough that if Adrien saw me from only the top view or from the other side. So pretty much on the back of my hip. I was shaking so bad but I wasn't scared, I just didn't know what to think.