"Ha ha. No. We're all going. Who knows if she is held hostage by psycho girl ninjas hiding in that shack of hers, who are waiting for us to come so that they can throw their ninja-star blades on us. Or slice us in a clean half from our waist in one...
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ADELAIDE
Ignoring the pounding of my heart and pain in my legs, I run further and further from the destruction and explosion.
I stumble over the sand, my legs sinking deeper as I try to run steadily over the sand, faster and faster.
I don't know what had happened to my friends. I don't know what happened to Newt, to Minho. I don't know if they'd survived the explosion.
I don't know why WICKED decided to bomb us down.
The only thing I know, is that I did the correct thing in separating myself from them. I don't want to hurt them, to kill them.
I don't want them to be scared of me.
I don't know if this is what it is to be a Crank. I don't know if I'm soon turning into one of those zombies. And if I am, I won't want my friends to see me like that. I don't want them to be near me.
🗡️🏹🗡️
I slow down to a walk, biting my lip harshly too keep my tears from falling.
Are they even alive? Did they survive?
I don't know where I am going, but it has to be far away. Such far away where I can't hurt anyone but myself.
I keep walking, not really keeping in mind the direction or destination. Millions of jumbled thoughts rush through my head, letting me make no head or tail of it. Memories of my past, memories of all those who died in front of me, memories of my parents.
My thoughts are destroying me, so I try not to think, to keep my mind blank, to keep myself numb, but the silence- the deafening silence, is a killer too.
The scorching heat beats down on my bare back and unprotected head. I drop down and lay on the sand and close my eyes. I finally give up. I really don't have the energy any more. It's like all my energy and willpower had completely sucked out, leaving me only as a shell of nothingness.
My head throb and pound, and the sky seems to spin. My eyelids feel heavy and threaten to close shut, and for the first time for a long time, I don't fight it.
It would be so nice if I die in my sleep- no pain, no fear, just...death approaching me slowly and taking me away.
My friends are probably dead anyway. Newt is dead, Minho, Thomas, Bea. Stan, Chuck. Everyone I loved, they are all dead.
A soft groan escapes my cracked lips as I let myself drift into darkness.
Maybe for an eternity. I wouldn't mind. It would be so nice to just give up. Give up surviving, give up and just drift into space for ever. No WICKED, no Cranks, no Flare, no killings, no assassins. I won't have to deal with the haunting memories of Chuck and Stan.
I won't have to relive their deaths on the loop, feeling a chunk of my heart being ripped out every time.
I won't have to be a disappointment to Newt, a terror to him. He will probably be better off without a baggage like me. And Bea would have someone ideal and respectful to look up to; not to a murderer.
I won't have to be WICKED'S prawn. I won't have to kill anyone.
Would it be such a bad thing if I just die?
🗡️🏹🗡️
I don't have time to have any second thoughts before I drift away.
It was like, the heavens said, "No bitch, I'm not done with you yet!"
When I opened my eyes, I thought I would be in heaven or hell. Most probably hell with all the blood and gore in my hands, but where I found myself in, was more disappointing than hell.
I was still in the fucking scotch.
I yell in frustration and kept repeatedly kicking the sand, punching it.
I'm done with it. I'm just fucking done with this.
The more I punched it, the more anger I felt, the more frustrated I felt. When I'd worn myself out, I decided it was better to keep walking to God-doesn't-even-know -where.
Actually, I haven't even thought about where I am going and what I am going to do.
Having not even a drop of water to quench my thirst and not even a crumb of bread to eat, I force my legs to walk faster, so that I can find at least something to drink. My legs are more like noodle legs now, threatening to collapse any moment.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!" I yell at the scorch ." AT LEAST GIVE ME A FUCKING LEAF!"
I trudge forward, with no sense of direction or destination, cursing the Scorch, the heat, WICKED, Cranks, the Flare, and this fucking blast from the past thing happening to me. Though it is extremely hard to ignore the constant lingering feeling of someone literally hovering over my shoulders, I have forced myself not to look around anymore. I know it's just the Flare making me see and feel things.
"I'm officially loosing it. I'm talking to fucking sand. Is this another symptom of Flare? Jorge should've told me more about this fucking curse."
I kick some more sand. I don't know how Jorge and Brenda and others can live here. I don't know what motivates them to survive this god-damned place.
How can they live here without wanting to cry the whole time?
Probably, the fear of their lives.
I think about how the boys would be disappointed if they know about my mental health right now. I know Bea loves me too much and though she probably won't cry in front of everyone, but she will when it's late night and everyone is asleep, but it'll be fine. She has the boys to look after her.
Newt has surely worked out why I left and probably wanting to leave everyone behind to save me.
Minho and Thomas should better stop him.
If they've survived the bombings somehow.
I shouldn't care about my friends anymore. I shouldn't care about Newt anymore.
They'll would be fine. They're all smart and brave boys. They'll soon reach the mountains and soon would get the Cure too.
They'll be all healthy and happy and maybe get back to their homes, to their families. Maybe they'll live together in a crank-less environment and go to school and get jobs.
Then they'll get into a relationship. And also get married one day. Hopefully Newt will get a normal girlfriend. Not a homicidal crazy killing machine who has gone fucking loony.
"God, I miss Newt."
I want all those. I want a normal life. I want to be happy, go to college, get a job, have a boyfriend and then get married, have kids.
I want all those.
I don't want to die. I don't want to be a Crank.
A/N:
i know that the gif makes no sense but that was the best gif i could find that related with the current mood of the chapter😋
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