Definition Of tmi

its been a week

Hey guys it's been a little while since I checked in on here. Turns out I'm not doing so hot.
 
  I'm an introvert and this month was super busy I've only had a day to myself. So I'm exhausted.

On Wednesday the twelfth of June this year was supposed to be the last tech day until our first proformance of the school musical (into the woods)

  We received unfortunate news of the death of a classmate and member of the orchestra pit. It was really hard.

  I had one or two conversations and encounters with him but my girlfriend knew him very well.

  When we found out it didn't hit at first. It was a shock. He was there Monday and I even watched him play. He was first violin and he was so good at it. You could see his focus and it looked like he barely ever messed up.

  The day after we found out I had a whole breakdown during fourth hour choir. We sang the song "I shall wear a crown" which is a gospel peice about wearing a crown when ots all over and seeing his (gods) face.

  While I sang I couldn't help but think of him and the utter destruction his family felt. It just was so much to feel so I cried all the way from then to the end of the day.

  When I saw Cora (girlfriend) after school I had calmed down but I just lost it again. It confused me why I barely even knew him but it had such great affect on me.

  So we had our proformances and they went well. We got teary eyed opening night but that night was only for parents.

  I feel like I recovered from that over the weekend. But after that I just needed to decompress because it was a hard week. I went over to Cora's house on Sunday after closing night on saterday.

  It was really sweet because she bought the stuff to make one of my comfort foods (sweet potato fries and marshmallow fluff).

  We watched a movie but all I wanted to do was be held. We didn't have much time before I had to leave.

  We were on her bed and I really needed her but I felt like she was distracted. She was checking her phone and texting her mom which I can't blame her for because it was dangerously close to when I was getting picked up.

  So I got some relief but not as much as I wanted. My love languages are physical touch and quality time so it's hard being so far.

  So I went a whole nother week without seeing her outside school. It hurts because I've grown really attached to her and she makes me really happy.

  On Thursday my dad requested I go to the cabin with them. I felt bad to say no because I had been so busy I hadn't seen him for a month. So I said yes. I knew it was a bad idea because I'm so close to starting burnout.

  Thursday night I received news my grandma had 4-6 months left to live and is in critical condition.

  It still hurts. It hurts to know that it's coming and I don't know when and if I'll even get to see her before then.

  I let the news sit for ten minutes before I just couldn't be there and I had to go downstairs. I wanted to be anywhere but there. I needed cora bad. I needed my mom. But I was stuck with my dad and stepmom who rarely connect with me.

  I still don't feel comfortable with him. He messed me up really bad and I'm not sure if he even knows.

   So I got downstairs and I started crying really hard. I called cora and I just started sobbing. We talked for a bit before she had to go.

  Then the next day I had to pretend I was alright and go to the cabin. I was closed off all of saterday and dad and my stepmom didn't even care. They talked like I wasn't clearly closed off, sad, and with my hood up. They just talked about whatever they wanted and didn't even try to include me in conversation until twenty minutes later.

  And a side note, I know that I am very lucky to have them. I love them because they provide for me and they do nice things for me. They take me on trips and buy me things but it all feels wrong. I just wish they would want to connect with me more... maybe they want to. Maybe they just don't know how.

  But I was away from home and three hours away from all things that bring me any sort of comfort. Besides my phone. The data wasn't bad there so I wasn't completely isolated.

  I got back yesterday and was received to be home. Everything felt fine. I cleaned some of my room, went to the park with a friend, ate dinner, and facetimed cora before bed.

  Even this morning before school was great. I had plans to see cora after school today because I miss her so much.

  I woke up right at 6 am and got out of bed. I got a cute outfit, I did my makeup, packed my lunch, and had a good breakfast for once. I walked out late because I couldn't find a mask and missed my bus. That wasn't a big deal because my mom was home and she drove me to school anyway.

  On the drive there cora told me her mom said we couldn't hang out today. That sunk my spirits so hard.

  It felt like I had so much I was holding back but at least I could just see her and let her hold me for a long time. But that was just the last straw. I didn't have anything to look forward to because I was also gonna help my friend babysit but I couldn't get a ride so I had to cancel.

  I went to the orchestra room to put her viola in a locker and I couldn't take it anymore. I just started crying right there and I couldn't tell myself to stop. She brought me to a quiet hallway and let me cry for a minute.

  Then a friend came by and stood with us. What is it with people and wanting to talk while someone is crying?

  I love her, but she hugged me then started talking like I wasn't having a breakdown. (She has a crush that I called though)

  I wanted to stay there and sit but cora had to go give something to a friend. So I followed her around. I kind of wish she tried to give me more comfort. I understand she has things to do but she too, talked like I wasn't still crying.

  Eventually we ended up on a couch thing in the main entrance with loud noises and people. I was clinging to her because I just needed comfort.

  Long story short I made my mom pick me up like ten minutes into first hour. So now I'm home and I talked with my mom.

  But things just aren't going well this week. I'm scared.

  I'm scared for my grandma. I'm scared that I'll be too tired to get work done.

  I think it hit me so hard that I can't see cora today because of unresolved issues I got from dad. I fully know that this was out of her control and I can't blame anyone for it. But it just feels bad to be let down.

  I'm scared of being lonely. I'm scared to do things alone because when dad left every night it was lonely and I felt trapped.

  Whenever I'm let down it just makes everything seem worse, especially when it's somebody I'm close to.

  And I'm scared it'll be a burden to other people. I don't want them to feel guilty when they can't do things with me or obligated to make changes to their schedule just so I can fit in. I don't want them to think I'm a baby because I can't handle being abandoned even in a minor way like this.

  Sometimes I even feel bad when I'm being too clingy with cora. We're in a relationship and all I wanna do is be close with her because she's just everything good. Yeah we all have her problems but I feel so safe and cared for. But that also means I wanna be with her constantly.

  Sometimes I just feel annoying for bombarding her with questions about when I can see her.

  Her mom is on the fence about us, I think. Her dad doesn't (maybe) know and he's really homphobic. I don't want her mom to hate me. I don't want to be the one that puts all the pressure and she has to deal with driving and stuff.

  I'm just overwhelmed with everything and I need my girlfriend. I can hopefully see her Friday. Today I'll focus on rest and doing something that can make me feel better like cleaning and taking a walk. I'm not just gonna sit here and sulk the whole day though.

  I love you for anyone who cares to read this.