Definition Of tmi

why smoot makes me happy

Okay hi so a couple realizations rn

  First of all I've always never been able to deal with angst in roleplays because whenever my characters gets sad, I get sad too.

  I think its mostly because I make my characters scarily in my likeness so whenever they do something wong then I feel like I did something wrong?

  And then when I try to fix the situation in the rp then I just dig myself in a deeper hole because a thing that I've observed about myself is that whenever I try making this better I can't learn to shut up and then I just keep spewing things out of my mouth until I just don't know what I'm saying.

  And I put a lot of thought into what I say all of the time. I'm really good at making good and genuine compliments and talking too much is good when complimenting because I'm letting out happy spew.

   But when I'm trying to defuse a situation then I try doing that same thing and it just makes it even worse. An example: sixth grade.

I've had a chapter about it in my drafts forever but I never really finished it so maybe I'll do that tommorow.

  But yeah. So whenever I get into situations like that in real like I'll have three possible reactions.

1. Cry

2. Word spew

  3. Just totally quiet.

  Whenever I feel like I've said too much then I just go quiet because I'm inwardly yelling at myself for the word spew

  But also making your characters like yourself can have its benefits. Whenever things are going good then it just makes me so happy.

  Whenever things are going good in an rp I feel good about myself as a person because everything is going right and I feel happy because in some ways it kinda just makes me feel not alone?

  Like I've been single for a while now and now basically all I do is rp. Even though I don't have someone in real life I feel like I can get all of my stuff out in a rp.

  I know about myself that I'm a caregiver. I genuinely enjoy doing things for people and taking care of them. I enjoy being a person that does things for other people without expecting much in return because I like making others feel good.

  Thats why often times I play the dom in roleplays. And its not the smut itself that I enjoy. I'm not some just like insanely sex addicted person. Sure I'm a lil bit kinky in some ways but its not like I would ever crave sex if I didnt have a partner.

  Like I would never have a one night stand or just have hookups.

  But I've realized this for a while, and I just crave the intimacy above all things. What I enjoy about smut is the trust between the two characters and the vulnerability.

  Honestly I could probably care less about the actual sex part. But for me I feel like sex would be the ultimate way of conveying emotions because you're just so trusting and so intimate.

  If there was a way to have that type of intimacy with someone without taking off clothes then I'd probably be obsessed with that, but this is the best option for me.

  So I promise I'm not just a horny little child and thats the only reason I like smut. I really just crave how the intimacy makes me feel when the charecters do it.

  And yeah its really sad that I'm depending on fictional characters for it but for now its how I'm making myself happy and it works when everything is ok.

  So yeah ig thats it for the day.  Idk if that made sense I don't feel like revising it.