Definition Of tmi

im too nice

  Sometimes I'm just too nice I think it might start to be a bad thing.

  Litterally why do I do this to myself?

  I just want to make everybody feel happy and loved.

  I'm only fourteen (well fifteen in a month) and I dont think I have the capacity to love someone unconditionally and romantically at the same time.

  I realized while I was in a deep conversation with my freind that most of my relationship problems are in some way liked back to my dad and verbally abusive housemate.

  I just can't stop myself and I need hold back and stop pretending that I have something more than I do.

  So like I said my boyfriend does have a bit of chub on him and I dont mind. But I think he's self conscious of it.

  I had him and my freind over for the day. They got here at about two and we watched a movie.

  By the time we were done talking and watching we realized that we need dinner.

  So I made up some grilled ham and cheese sandwiches.  

  He kept insisting that he wasnt hungry and he didnt want anything.

He said he had a big lunch but by then it was like seven or eight so it had to be a long-ish time that he went without food.

  I made him one anyway and gave it to him and he ate half and a slice of watermelon.

  But that's not the only time. Usually I put in a frozen pizza when they come over. He really ever only takes two maybe three slices of pizza.

  I dont eat much in the first place because I'm small and it doesn't take much for me to honestly be full.

  So once we went back into the kitchen to get ice cream and he picked up another slice after he said he didnt want anymore.

  So it's not for sure but I thing he may be self conscious.

  So I was talking with my freind about it and she said that I should subtly reassure him so I've been doing that.

  But now I've just dug myself in a deeper hole because I always go over the top when complimenting people.

  I always make sure I'm thorough with making them feel good that I dont know if I always mean the words I say but then I cant stop myself.

  With my friends this isnt a problem though. So if I ever compliment you, know that i mean it.

  But in a relationship it's different. Because its romantic.

  I dont know how to describe it, but I just dont want him to get too attached.

  I know it's my fault. I always say I want to go slow and then I fricken do this.

  But I just want to make him feel better about himself. And sometimes while doing that I just fib a little bit.

  So I was complimenting his because he looked like he needed reassurance and i said "you make me feel safe"

  That's not really true. I don't feel any different in safety with him than anyone else.

  And now he thinks I'm like totally head over heels for him.

  But I can't just break up with him for no reason. Yeah it would be sad because he's fun to hang out with but I dont see it going anywhere.

  I feel so bad because he loves me so much. I can tell by the way he treats me and how he looks at me.

When we're snuggling he just looks at my face. I would never really do that because I dont know it's just not my cup of tea.

  Why do I do this. I love too far. And i know I'm going to break his heart and I'll be fine and he's falling apart.

  I dont feel like our relationship is healthy. Not in like a toxic way, but we've never had a fight in almost eight months of dating.

  I just forgive him right away. Not that he's done anything bad, but I feel like we just need to have that.

  To be honest I'd be fine without him. I just needed him during school because I was a freshman and high school was scary and I needed someone to do it with me.

  But now that that's over we dont really click. Conversation just doesnt flow and all we ever really do is cuddle.

  I want to talk to him, but we cant because his mom wont let us be fucking alone.

  Like it would just be ssooooo bad if we were to be alone together because we would toooootally have sex and all these bad things.

  Like no. I would never do that. Just let us be freaking alone because your too over protective over your teenage son who needs to make mistakes and learn.

   Also, I feel like if we broke up I would be more well equipped for it. I know what it's like for your heart to ache and sting with pain of another person's actions.

  He's never had that. At least I dont think unless he hasn't told me.

  But my dad hurt me. He hurt me really bad and I can get through more stuff now.

  But the greatest pain he's felt is loosing a loved one. I'm not saying either one is worse, but I'm saying they are different kinds of hurt.

  They feel different.

  If I were to break up with him I feel like the heaviest burden would be my guilt for making him feel bad.

  But there's this little part of me that's saying "dont break up! What if your over reacting and everything is fine. Then you'll regret it later!"

  In hindsight we're perfect for eachother, but I just cant feel what he's feeling.

  I dont even know at this point.

  I'm just too darn nice. Usually when people say that it's good but this time it's bad.

Also the song up there just reminds me of my situation aaand I think it's kinda true.

  I might just be tired.

  But it's like one day I feel totally confident that I love him but the next I'm seriously doubting it.

  I think what's wrong is that we dont see eachother in person very much anymore and it's just hard to talk over text.

  I dont know. I'm gonna go take a bath to distract myself now 😪

  Also sorry for the spelling errors. I'm not gonna edit this...