Definition Of tmi

ouchie

Welcome to me writing down whatever the heck I'm thinking at three am. This is only the beginning of many.

  So nothing specifically is bothering me (this is me when I finished writing this whole thing: I lied. It is bothering me.) but just small things that keep looming in my mind that I cant get rid of.

  So we know that my relationship with my dad isnt the best. I dont talk to him often, maybe one text a month and a phone call every three?

  I feel like i dont even know who my dad is anymore. I mean honestly i never really knew him. I only started to when he got his life together.

  Note, my dad only started to get his life together because my mom told him that she wanted divorce.

  So I've known my dad litterally from the second i was born but i still dont really have a sense of who he is.

  And it doesnt really bother me but it still isnt a nice feeling to know that my step mother's family is closer to him than I ever was.

  My stepmom started having children young and her children also started family's young so she has grandkids.

  Both my dad and her are around 52. I know my dad is 52, but I think she is just a couple years older, but not by much.

  Technically my nephew, I'm just going to call him Tommy. That's not hos real name. But we'll call him Tommy.

  Anywho, Tommy has a pretty strong bond with my dad already. Hes five years old.

  I know my dad loves me but I think it's pretty obvious that he loves my step moms family more.

  Maybe because he sees it as a second chance.

  In my childhood I can never remember a time where my dad made an effort to actually connect with me.

  When I say connect I mean having a conversation about my day, or something new I'm interested in.

  Sure he would always do fun things with me. I remember we had this old convitable car. It was a miatta. I'm not sure if that's how you spell it.

  I remember going for car rides and we would go to cabellas for fudge and look at their giant displays. (For anyone who lives outside of the us or just doesnt know what cabellas is it's like an outdoors and sports store and they're huge.)

  My mom was always the one to make conversation. Not a day would go by when she wouldnt ask me about my day.

  I cant recall one time ever when my dad asked me that sincerely. Maybe he said it a couple of times but theres a difference between how they would ask.

  My mom always engages in conversation and it can last up to ten minutes of talking.

  My dad on the other hand just asks and when I give him my answer he just humms and nods. No follow up questions or comments. He just focuses on something else.

  Anywho, he does that with this family. He asks them questions and he smiles a lot more.

  I just feel so out of place when I'm with them. I see him connecting and I really wanted that.

  I want to have a conversation that I dont have to carry on all the time.

  We dont have anything in common either. I am super energetic and all of my interests have to do with music and theater.

  You wanna know what's sad and just proves my point further? I just tried to compare my interests with his and I couldnt even list his interests. The only thing I know is that he likes aquariums, cooking, and he talks about my stepmom family a lot.

  It always "oh I went to her daughter's house yesterday and blah blah blah" or "Tommy did this and that"

   I just cant connect with him and it makes me sad that I cant.

  It's like, why can he talk and laugh with my stepmothers family but not me.

  My mom has told me about how he is bad at social ques though. She says that he doesnt talk to me because I dont talk to him, but I've tried. I really have.

  I verbalized my emotions to him once because my brother had a full breakdown because he thinks my dad doesnt love him. And my brother is almost 18.

  My mom also says that she thinks that hes connecting with Tommy so well is because hes a child.

  Mom says that dad got along with us great when we were kids, but he got scared when we grew up.

  I dont know though. It just hurts.

  Oh also, just remembering this. At the way beginning of quarantine I had just found out that school had been cancled.

  Right away I called my dad and told him that I could come over for a week at his house.

  He responded with "if this is a quarantine situation then I dont think that would be wise." And he apologized but it still made me feel like he didnt want me there.

  Like I know that's not what he meant but it still just sparks up feelings inside of me and it made me cry when I hung up.

  Hah so I'm a mess