Definition Of tmi

im proud!/update on mental health

Hey, so it's been a long while. Not quite sure if anyone keeps up with this but I may as well document it.

Today I am proud of myself for auditioning for the school musical. There's a low chance that I get in but I'm proud that I went for it and tried!

  I'm not one to seize an opportunity. When I hear something or someone offers me something I often deny because I don't want to be a bother, or let someone down, or just fail and get embarrassed.

  The reason I'm so proud is lately in quarantine I've been feeling pretty closed off. Being so isolated is starting to get to me. mom and brother both have jobs so I'm home alone most the time

When I'm home alone it's easy to lose motivation to do school work and other tasks that need to be done.

  Looking back that would have been no problem a year ago. But I feel like I'm just kinda slowly going downhill.

  I stay up late at night because I feel like I need to get schoolwork done so I keep saying after another minute and by the time I get to it I know I should go to bed or else the cycle will repeat the following day... and it does.

  It's just lack of motivation. I don't have people around me to push me but at the same time when someone tells me to do it then it seems like the worst thing in the world and if I don't do it I'm letting someone down.

In addition, when I look at all my grades and missing assignments it just makes me feel like a failure and then it's hard to finish because then I get frustrated and sad.

  I've always had a problem with guilt. for Christmas I needed money because I don't have a job. so my mom offered to pay me for doing some chores and I could pay her back.

  But when I get up in the morning it all feels like so much and I feel lost in class because I've been in a sort of haze where I just feel like doing anything at all and it seems harder than it did before. So I don't have time for the dishes and I feel bad for making her do it.

  And it feels kinda daunting to go and make plans because it seems like a lot of work and I have so many assignments due.

  And to add my dad wants me to spend more time with him but it's even harder to do school up there because I'm so focused on trying to connect with them and process my feelings about them. It feels lonely up there despite people always being home. And the house just doesn't feel like mine. It feels like I'm a guest there.

  So to say the least, these past few months have pretty slow. Usually I would play it down because I know that many people this but much worse. But I need to learn to not downplay my emotions just because other people have been in worse situations than me and it doesn't make how I'm feeling any less hard in my life.

  I'm not claiming that I have it really hard and everything is terrible because it's not. I have lots of friends and new family members that I love.

  I also have a date on Friday so that's pretty exiting. (Had a sexuality crisis for a month or two trying to decide if I was demi romantic or if I'm just scared to commit and hurt her but oh well, it's kinds fading out but not off the table. Life is confusing man)

  So to sum it all up I'm really proud of myself for putting myself out there and doing something that I enjoy doing instead of letting this opportunity pass :)