Definition Of tmi

the deal with my boyfriend

Okay so I am like struggling right now. I'm a bit conflicted with what I should do.

   So if you read my first chapter page thingy you learned that I've been dating my boyfriend for almost six months.

  But all the sudden like a month ago I started to rethink things. I mean I still love him dont get me wrong, but I just dont really know what's going on in my head.

  Like some things he does just annoy me. It's not like hes trying to do it and some of it he cant control or doesnt know about.

  So I am a freshman in high school and I met him in my civics class in first trimester. He sat right behind me and I had recognized him because we were in choir class together last year but I had never even talked to him or even given him a second glance.

   Because it's not like he is super good looking. I'm usually not very attracted to looks anyway, I'm more into personality, honestly.

  I think hes cute but my friends wouldnt describe him as cute. I guess it more the things that he does is cute.

  Hes a bit big. Hes taller than me so probably like 5'7 because I'm 5'4. Hes also a lil chubby too. Not that there is anything wrong with that of course, hes good to snuggle with lol.

  And sometimes he smells. Hes doesnt wear cologne or anything so he just kinda has a weird ish smell.

  I pride myself on smelling good because I like to take care of myself and smell and look good for him.

  He wears litterally the same exact two sweatshirts every day. I dont care that he wears the same thing, but it's just how often he washes it that bothers me. It kinda just smells musty most the time.

  But the worst thing about how he smells is his breath. Like well be close together or kissing or something and his breath litterally smells like burning eggs.

  I know this because once I burst an egg and I was like w a i t

  Like I said I dont like confrontation so I always just like hint at it by offering him gum. And sometimes he doesnt even eat it.

  He likes to make out a lot. And i do love to make out but like not that often. But when he starts to make out with me he starts breathing like really hard.

  He makes like this super big deal out of it. I just cant really explain what he does. He pulls back and he just like laughs.

  What's really been bothering me though is that he told me once that he gets butterflies whenever we kiss. But the thing is I've I've litterally never gotten butterflies around him.

  When we first started talking he came onto me like almost straight away. One of his first conversation topics was 'do you have a boyfriend' and I was like nope.

  I think maybe I just started liking him because he liked me. Tbh I just like attention. Not a whole bunch of it but I lokey like it when people compliment me.

  So obviously he started complimenting me so I think that's why I started to like him.

  I'm very submissive and go with the flow, so I think that i just thought i liked him because he liked me.

  Okay so when he asked for my number we were at the homecoming football game. I was with my friends and he was with his.

  Apparently one of them made him come over to get my number so i I obviously gave it to him.

  I'm not going to lie, I did fake my feelings and I was a bit dramatic when telling my friends about it.

  Then we started dating and it was all good. I said I love you first and it was a mistake. Saying I love you wasnt my mistake, but saying it too soon was my mistake.

  I said it over our winter break because I was really missing him, but by then we had only been dating for two months.

  It was like way early and it took him like a day to say it back, not to mention this was all over text.

   Yes. I said I love you for the first time over text. Two months into my relationship. I'm great at stuff.

  But I have grown to actually love him, but i know he loves me more, which is a problem.

   He has told me, completely seriously that he wants to marry me. Hes very straightforward like that. He does it all the time and its honestly kinda annoying that he just doesn't hide anything.

  Let's just say his family has basically litterally adopted me. Like they refer to me as if I'm related to them biologically.

  I'm only fourteen, and I never expected this relationship to last forever. I know it's super bad to date without being serious about spending our life together but I just make impulsive decisions sometimes.

  Now I guess I kind of feel this pressure to love him. He told me that he trusted me with his heart. Like he was super vulnerable and I know that I'm just going to break it someday and that litterally makes me feel sick.

  I dont want to hurt him but hes already put so much on this relationship that it's going to really hurt.

  I do not want yo break up with him because I have fun with him, but it's not like i have this deep deep connection with him.

I want to have a deep connection but it's not happening. I figured that it would by now cuz you know it takes time, but i just cant.

   Also I think hes just taking things too fast for me. Believe it or not I just like to have a sweet relationship where occasionally we have intimate moments but mostly just have fun and snuggle.

  He has tried touching butt before and I told him to not because I dont feel comfortable with that yet.

  We were laying on my bed the other day because he and his sister were at my house.

  Oh yeah, did I mention? His mom is like super overprotective. She has made it very clear that we are not allowed to be alone together in any circumstances. So she makes his ten year old sister come along.

  Anyway I have a chair in my room and obviously my bed. We were on the bed making out litterally while his ten year old sister was watching youtube on my chair.

  He initiated it too. But I've just become comfortable with making out (well not completely comfortable, cuz the whole breath thing and the butterflies thing.) But he just tried to like put his tongue in.

  I pulled away because I'm not down for that yet at all.

  He just gets too lovey dovey. I love cheesey things but theres an extent.

  Whenever I just wanna snuggle he tries to kiss me. Like just let me be cuddled in peace  sir thank you.

  So moral of the story, I dont love my boyfriend as much as he loves me, but I DO NOT want to break up with him at the moment but it terrifies me that someday I'll break up with him and break his heart.

  And I hate confrontation so like oops.

  My life is turning into a mess.

  This is a mess.

  Idek.

Ah.