Definition Of tmi

Graditude

  All the sudden I was just hit with a ginormous amount of guilt. I just feel so guilty and selfish and I dont wanna feel that way. Before anyone says anything it's not the kind of sinking guilt over one specific thing it's just all of it.

  I feel guilty for everything that I've ever taken for granted and every person that I've dismissed.

  Today I was really tired and ive been feeling really drained recently. I'm taking a class called interpersonal relationships and were doing a lesson on gratitude.

  Some guy did a study with tons of people and told them to write gratitude every day and it improved their wellbeing. I'll put the name of it in the morning it's really cool.

  But I was sitting and reading a really sad story called forget me not (go read it it's on my absolutely beautiful list)

  And it was about life of loved ones after death. And that just got me thinking what my last words to my loved ones would be.

  What would I say if I was on the edge of death and I had to tell all my loved ones everything I want to tell them in such a short amount of time.

  I started with my mom and had a lot to say. I never realized how much i had to say about her and how pure and amazing she is.

  Then i moved onto my dad and again had a lot to say. That's when i started feeling imence guilt.

  I feel so guilty that my own selfishness has kept me from him. Recently he told my mom that he wants half time with us.

  And I wasnt too fond of the idea because I thought he wasnt that good of a dad. I didnt like how we couldnt talk about stuff and I just feel so bad.

  We cant talk because I have walls up too. I may be the only one with the wall.

  I cant talk because I dont want him to hurt me again and all the bad memories pile up and I get scared.

  But he's my dad and he misses me.

  That just hit me hard because he's probably griefing that he doesnt know me. While I'm over in oblivion convinced it's the other way around.

  I just want to hug him and cry with him right now honestly. I wanna apologize and tell him how much I love him and sorry I am.

  I dont want to forget to tell people how much I care about them.

  I am a religious person and I was in the shower just thinking and crying and talking to myself about all of this.

  Then I just folded my hands and started praying. I just kept repeating "dont let me forget"

  Because I don't want to have regrets. What if I leave sooner than later and I never told people how much I love them

  What if I'm gone tommorow and I leave behind loose ends. Whet if my dad thinks i never loved him and carries that with him.

  I never want to take anything for granted. Because i just realized how much i do. And it's a lot.

  I started thinking of the last words to the most valuable person in my life. My mom.

  I just talked to her in the shower. I know she wasnt there but i just said everything.

  I even started thinking about what i would want her to do if i leave too soon.

  If I leave I dont want her to be sad forever. I dont want people all dressed in black crying because they miss me.

  I want it to be yellow. And i want people to cry because they think of all of our great memories. I want them to cry because I impacted their life.

  And when I'm I'm gone I dont want anyone to touch my room. I want people to come in and sit with me.

  I want them to sit in my chair or my bed and keep me company. Because I know that I'd be there with them.

  Theres like so much more I need to say. I wanna hug my mom amd tell her how sorry I am. I want to be the best person I can be.

  I dont want to have regrets when I die, whenever that may be.

  I want people to know how much I genuinely love them. Because I say it a lot but I love everyone with my whole heart.

  I often wish I could just take away everyone's pain.

  I love everyone so damn much. I live my friends and I love my family so so much. And even complete strangers! Every single person on wattpad I genuinely want to give them a big long hug.

  My friend knows. We were at the park and I just really really wanted to give everyone a hug.

  So I'm not going to take anything for granted or leave without letting people know just how much I care about them.

  I swear I'm not going to get lazy. From now I'm going to do my best to tell people my feelings for them and I'll be dambed if I dont try my hardest.

  Anyways I've decided I'm starting a new book. I'm gonna write down what I'm grateful for every day as best I can.

  And i suggest anyone reading to do the same. I dont want people to forget how much I love them. And I dont want to forget to tell people honestly from my heart.

  And irl friend if you're reading this give me a hug when you see me because I genuinely appreciate you so fucking much. I think you're so strong and I believe in you. And every single good thing I've said to you I strongly believe it and I stand by what I said and I always will. Because no matter your flaws you're amazing. And I beg you not to deny it. Please accept it this time. Because it would mean so much to me if you knew.

When I see my dad I'm going to hug him. I want to so badly.

  Anyways... I'm gonna go to bed I guess..

  Theres probably a crap ton of mis spelled things in here but I'm not gonna reread it cuz I'll cry harder.