warning: this chapter will include depictions of self-harm.
Yeosang
It's been a while. A while since everything felt so difficult and heavy.
I peeled myself out of the grasps of the man sleeping next to me. Seonghwa was holding on for dear life, so it was a bit difficult but I managed in the end. I grabbed my phone from the bedside table, checking the time.
2:30 am. Great. Another sleepless night; Haven't had those in a while. I sat up, turning my head to look at the other sleeping man. Our night was probably ruined by me which would be nothing new.
It felt like shit, though.
Knowing Seonghwa could be spending his night with someone who was actually worth it and not unstable; someone not like me.
I looked away from the other and stumbled out of bed carefully. After all, I'd rather die than wake up the older man at this time. He had watched me be an emotional wreck for too long already. I could spare him from the sight now.
He'll get tired out by having to care for you. Just end it.
I frowned slightly. I wanted to cling on even if it hurt. I wanted to be happy. Would it really be that hard? I got a short while of pure joy and now I was just shoved back into the pit I had been pulled out.
I quietly made my way to the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I turned on the lights and walked over to the sink. I glanced at myself in the mirror, cringing slightly. My eyes were red and puffy and I generally looked disheveled. Hopeless.
No one can save you. You're a lost cause.
I looked away from my reflection, not wanting to look at myself anymore. Maybe I should have kept the mirrors covered so I didn't have to look at my disgusting self. Though Wooyoung always took the covers away.
I leaned down and opened the tap before washing my face with the cold water that flooded out. Maybe it'd help with the puffiness. I closed the tap and started to dry my face with the sleeves of the hoodie I was wearing. Seonghwa's hoodie.
It was nice and warm but would have looked better one somebody else.
I raised straightened myself to look at myself again. "You still look awful," I muttered wiping my face with the sleeves. I pulled open the cabinet and grabbed my toothbrush. I forgot to take care of basic hygiene earlier, too busy snotting up Seonghwa's shirt.
Pathetic. Jaejoong was right, you should just die.
I reached for the toothpaste but my brown eyes landed on the small metal object stored near the back of the cabinet, hidden away behind everything else.
I had forgotten its existence over the six months I had stayed clear of that habit.
I put the toothbrush back to the spot I had gotten it from and reached for the sharp-edged razorblade. It was probably slightly blunt, but honestly, it didn't matter in my head.
It'll hurt more, making you forget everything else.
I stared at the blade before quickly glancing at the trash can next to me. "Just once... You'll get rid of it then..." I mumbled to myself before rolling up the hoodie sleeves.
I stared at the pale scars along my tan skin, biting my lip. I pressed the blade to skin mumbling a quiet apology to Wooyoung. The younger would kill me if he knew I did this again. I had promised not to.
You never keep your promises.
My hand shook slightly as I dragged the blade across my skin, holding back a wince. It would only hurt for a moment.
If you make more it'll turn numb...
Blood immediately pooled out and I watched it drip down my arm until dropping own to the sink. Before I could grab a mental hold of myself one cut turned into two, two into three, four, five...
Once again I started crying, undoing the small thing I had done to reduce the puffiness. It was as if blacking out and when you snap back to reality you realize you fucked up. Bad.
The bloodied blade dropped from my fingers down to the sink as I fell onto the tiled floor, silently sobbing. I couldn't risk Seonghwa waking up. This was the side I precisely wanted to hide from him, yet he ended up seeing a snippet of it.
He would only pity me if he saw this.
I hung my head low letting my tears fall onto the tiles along with the blood. It'd be a pain to clean everything and hide the fact that anything had happened.
I calmed down after twenty minutes. Maybe. I wasn't completely sure, actually. I stumbled up from the floor and reached into the cabinet, grabbing the large bandages, disinfectant, and cotton pads stored on the top shelf.
As if on auto-pilot, I cleaned the fresh cuts now laid upon my upper forearm carefully before plastering the mandates on top. I pulled down the long sleeves, before letting my eyes wander around the previously clean room. A sigh escaped from my lips.
Usually, I would just go back to bed and clean it in the morning but I can't this time. Seonghwa would see it in the morning. So I made an effort to clean the mixture of blood and tears from the floor and sink.
"Good enough..." I mumbled under my breath, turning my gaze to the blade next. I grabbed it, put it back where I had found it, and actually did what I was meant to. Brush my teeth.
Did it help?
Yes, momentarily. But the guilt caught up faster than I had expected. I had broken a promise I made to my friend all the whilst someone who was way too good for me was sleeping just on the other side of a wall.
But at least I felt numb. The pain in my arms taking my attention away from everything else.
I finished brushing my teeth and put the toothbrush back into its place in the cabinet. Taking a deep breath I walked to the door, unlocked it, and walked out, making sure to shut the lights on the way.
I made my way back to the bedroom. Seonghwa was still in the same position as he was when I left. I smiled sadly. He really should be somewhere else. With someone better.
I walked to the bed, lying down again. I rolled onto my side, watching the older. "Where were you?" He suddenly asked, carefully pulling me closer. I leaned my head against his chest. "Bathroom... I had to brush my teeth.. Sorry." I responded quietly.
I wanted to tell him what I had done. I didn't want to lie. But I couldn't do what I wanted. The words wouldn't come out
I got a soft snore from the man as a response. I chuckled softly. "Goodnight.." I mumbled, closing my eyes.
I could just hope I can fall asleep.
~~~~~
hi.
no goofy note this time because the content this time is serious.
what i do want to say that self-harm is not a way to deal with your problems. if you feel like you have the urge to hurt yourself: talk to a parent, teacher, or any school authority figure. or even a friend.
self-harm is not the way. and i speak from experience. this chapter, hell this story, is in no way mean to romanticize suicide or self-harm.
i feel like i should have posted this here earlier on but if you feel like there's nothing you can do, look here: https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines
remember, you are important here even when it feels like you're not.
thank you.
