Seonghwa
I sat in the hallway of the hospital, covering my face with my hands.
They had rushed Yeosang into the operation room and hours had passed. I had sat outside the operation room for a while but when Wooyoung arrived at some point I moved elsewhere. I couldn't face him.
Wasn't this my fault?
I had seen the signs but made no action to talk to the younger man. None whatsoever.
"Hyung." Wooyoung's voice carried into my ears. I raised my head a little bit to look at the younger. He had clearly been crying as well.
"You should go home." He then said, playing with the hem of his shirt. I looked back down. "But Y-Yeosang.." "There's no news on him yet. Go home and I'll... I'll message you.." I bit my tongue, holding in another set of tears before nodding. "Sure..."
"Do you want a hug?" Wooyoung asked and I shook my head, standing up. "I'll just go," I mumbled out and turned my back to the younger, walking away.
It was still raining when I reached the exit. I just walked out of the white building and started walking home in the rain. It wasn't a short walk, but I had left my wallet back at the cafe so taking the bus wasn't an option.
I arrived home, soaked in rain. My face was wet, from the rain and tears. When the door closed behind me I burst into sobs. It hurt, so bad. I leaned up against the wall, burying my face in my hands again.
Why didn't I do anything?
"Seonghwa?" Hongjoong had apparently come to my place. I raise my head to glance at my friend but didn't manage to look at him for long before looking away. "Wooyoung didn't text me yet. What happened with Yeosang?" Hongjoong asked, quickly walking closer and grabbing my hand.
I shook my head furiously.
"Seonghwa, you're scaring me." The smaller man said, pulling me into a hug. "I.. I thought h-he w-was fine." I choked out. "I should've.. I.. I saw.. He.." The other hushed me, trying to calm me down.
I wrapped my arms around Hongjoong, clinging to him tightly. "I can't.. I don't want to l-lose him." I whispered, holding in the sobs that were clawing their way out.
"You won't. I'm sure of that.." Hongjoong said softly pulling away from the hug. He wiped my tears to no use. "Let's go sit... I'll call Wooyoung.."
Hongjoong walked me into the living room, while I kept a tight hold on his arm. I had managed to calm myself to an extent, honestly just not having the energy to cry anymore. My chest still hurt at the thought that I had missed the obvious signs
Hongjoong was on the phone with Wooyoung, though I couldn't make out what the guy on the other side of the line was saying. I wanted to though.
Hongjoong eventually ended the call, placing the phone down next to him. "Is he out a-already?" I instantly asked and to my massive disappointment, he shook his head. I lowered my gaze to my lap. I bit down on my bottom lip to hold in another set of tears.
"I'll... I'll go to my room.." I mumbled and stood up. Hongjoong grabbed my hand before I could walk off. "I'll stay here... Please. Just come to me if you need anything."
I nodded at the guy, smiling weakly. "Thanks, Joong..." I said softly before pulling my hand out of his grasp and walking off to my bedroom.
The first thing I did when I entered, was that I headed to my desk, opening one of the drawers and grabbing the white envelope that had haunted me since last Tuesday. I should have opened it, but I wanted to respect the fact that Yeosanf wanted me to open it later.
I should have questioned it.
I really should have.
I walked to my bed and sat down, looking down at the white folded paper. The letter inside would probably smash my heart into bits. I didn't want to read it, but I had to.
Carefully, I opened the envelope, making sure not to rip it in any way. I began to unfold the letter but stopped. Taking in a deep breath I placed the letter down next to me. I actually had to pinch myself, to make sure it wasn't a bad dream. Repeated the action a few times too, just to be sure.
I glanced at the paper. The contents of it scared me, honestly.
I hesitantly picked it back up and finished unfolding it. My eyes scanned over the text, not processing any of the words. I wiped a few stray tears off of my cheeks before returning to the start of the letter.
You could see the multiple times Yeosang had erased text from the first line. It hurt. It hurt that Yeosang had actually put effort into writing it like it was really his end.
Dear Park Seonghwa...
If you're reading this then I could be dead. I hope I am. I probably can't face you after you read this if I'm alive.
I'm sorry.
I thought about it. Over and over again. I guess if you received this letter I decided to do it.
I actually have never written like this, I didn't bother leaving a message the last two times I tried to leave. Didn't see the point.
The time you came over last week when Jaejoong had come too. I didn't want you to see me like that. He just kicked me down and you ended up seeing me at my worst. I didn't want to lie and say I'm okay when I clearly wasn't but I didn't have the heart to tell you the truth.
I know you would do your best trying to make me better. You did your part but I just can't be helped. I am and will always be a lost cause.
You made the past months bearable. I'm really thankful for everything you've done. It's everything and more I could have asked for. But the truth is you deserve much, much more. Not someone like me. No matter how much I want to deny that and I want to hold onto you.
I don't want you to worry about me continuously, thinking whether I'm fine or if I have eaten. It will make me feel even more like a burden than I already do. I don't want that for anyone.
I'm glad I got to enjoy my time with you, really.
Thank you and I love you.
- Kang Yeosang
"Who the hell are you to tell me what I deserve?" I sobbed out, tears dropping onto the white paper causing the black ink used to write smudge a little.
My hand tightened around the paper, causing it to crumple up. I tried to hold back my tears, failing miserably. "I don't... I don't want anyone else.." I whispered weakly.
I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep until I was woken up by Hongjoong. "Seonghwa.." The redhead whispered. I opened my eyes slowly, feeling them but from the hours of crying. "What?" I croaked out.
"Wooyoung called." The man said carefully. I shot up instantly, eyes wide open now. "Is Yeosang..?" "He's stable."
That's where I burst into a new set of tears out of pure relief.
~~~~~
i guess this is "the end" since the next chapter will be an epilogue.
this ending would have been in a whole other direction, had i not bawled my eyes out while writing these last chapters. so. you can thank my overly emotional ass. (i also learned that do not listen to day6 songs while writing sad stuff)
i'll leave my thank you speech for next time haha.
