Fall to Pieces

Unravel

I hug my knees to my chest, rocking slightly on the bed. I have my own room, its small, and they told me they used to use it for storage space. The room, doesn't smell like canned food. It smells like mom. My mom died when I was sixteen, battling breast cancer. I remember looking at her face, how peaceful she looked when she took her last breath. "Be good my angels. Be good."
I didn't feel good. That day, is the exact same moment I lost it. I could feel myself shatter to pieces. I could feel every bone in my body break. I was starting to fall to pieces and there was no one to catch me.
And now, eight years later, I'm sitting on a bed in a room in Nicaragua that smells like her. And I don't know why, but I feel like I've been here before, or have somehow seen it. Especially the purple curtains. Mom loved purple. Maybe I'm really that far gone because there's no way mom could've been here.
There's a small knock at the door, and rubbing away escaped tears, I open it. There's about seventeen girls, standing outside on the hallway, whispering among themselves. I clear my throat.
"So, you the new volunteer?" The girl in front of me declares.
"Yes, I am. Do all of you speak English?" I ask. Really, I thought there would be a lot more Spanish.
"Si." She shifts, looking uncomfortable. "I hear you will be teaching us tomorrow. You better be good. We take our education seriously."
Impressed, I nod. "I will not disappoint any of you."
"Are-"
"Elena, lay off," another girl in the back sneers. "She probably needs to finish unpacking. Let's go."
Elena huffs and then smiles at me. "Mama Celestia didn't introduce you to the children. Come on, we will show you."
After being introduced to all the children, and trust me, that was a lot, I sit down beside a little boy and girl, showing them how to color within the lines. I had three suitcases, one and a half of them filled with my clothes, and the other one and a half space was filled with coloring books, pencils and crayons for the kids. Sitting here I realize its not enough. And this is the problem, this is just one orphanage in one city. There is an entire country that needs help. And the problem is I can't save everyone, no matter how badly I want to. I feel useless. I couldn't even save myself. As the sun goes down, I can feel the truth of the situation deepening. Why did my father send me here? Why me? My briefly changes to what Eddy told me. Does my father know anything at all? Like, do I look depressed? Standing up, I walk back to the house, and go to the kitchen. I immediately see Mama Celestia and ask her if she needs help. She says, "No! Your first day! You must rest! Tomorrow when you busy, busy, busy!"
She kisses both my cheeks. "Go sleep darling. We wake up early in the morning."
And so I walked up the stairs, and closed the door behind me. And I don't sleep. I start to cry, because I know I never will be able to. I'm left to unravel by myself.
Every.
Single.
Time.