Fall to Pieces

Trick

I'm helping Diego eat his dinner when Fernanda brings me a plate of food and a glass of juice.
"Mama said you need to eat. So I offered to bring you food." She explains resting the food down.
"Thanks." I turn to Diego. "Five more bites, buddy."
Stomach growling, I start to eat. I have this weird feeling that someone is watching me. I start to drink some juice but put it down. Something is not right. Vodka. There is vodka in this drink. Wait, maybe I'm crazy. I take another sip and put the drink down. Yup, its definitely not me. I pick up my plate and the glass and walk over to Mama. She smiles when she see's me. "Anastasia! How can I help you?"
I pull her aside. "Mama, there's alcohol in this."
"Well, no, Ana, I would never put alcohol in the juice."
"Mama, there's alcohol! I'm not crazy, mama. I know when I taste alcohol. I was a bartender all through college."
Mama puts her hands on her hips. "Are you trying to say this is my fault?"
My mouth goes dry. "Um...no. I'm just trying to say that-" Noticing the look on her face, I say, "You know what, never mind. I'm probably having withdrawals."
I start to leave but she grabs my hand. "Anastasia."
Terrified, I whisper, "Sí, mama?"
"It was a test. You passed."
Emotions flicker across my face. "A test? How? Why?"
Mama shakes her head. "If you drank the whole glass, knowing it had alcohol in it, than you're father would be right, your an alcoholic. However, you didn't, and it proved my point. Alcohol, is not your problem, but something from your past is."
I give a light hearted smile and walk away, passing Eddy at the door.
His arms ate crossed and I can tell he's pissed. "I told her not to do it."
"It doesn't matter. Don't beat yourself up over it. I passed, didn't I?"
He sighs. "It does matter. You're trying to recover, and she's being rude."
Recover? Geez. What do these people think I am, a nut case? "I'm calling it a night."
I walk back into my room and immediately go to the closet for my mother's journal. God, it smells like her. Her pictures look like they were just taken yesterday. God, I want her back. Everyday, that's all I ask for. Her. She would wipe away all my tears. Only she would understand why I'm like this. Why I'm so lost. She would understand, and make sure that I'm found. That the rain wouldn't wet me anymore. She would set her little bird free from its cage. I'm angry. I'm hurt and angry that's she's gone, and that so many people that need to go are still wandering.
And memories, the memories rip me apart. All I see is her eyes, her smile, her everlasting beauty. All I feel is her warmth, her gentleness. I want her back. I want her back...