Fall to Pieces

Sunday Morning Faith

The last time I went to church was when I was seventeen. I have never stepped back in one since, and now, I'm being forced to go. Great. No, really, its amazing. Lie. I wait by the front door with Raina and Diego. I watch the two of them play a hand game, and smile when they look up at me. I just want to crawl back in bed. Desperately.
Eddy comes down the stairs with Alex, both in their Sunday best. Sighing, I look at my nails. The paint is peeling, and I couldn't care less. I was never one of those dress up girls, and I don't plan on being one.
"Ms. A?" Raina says my name like I'm some kind of saint.
"Sí?"
"Where did you get that scar?"
I pale instantly, not only because she asked, but because she asked it loud enough for Eddy, Alex and Mama Celestia to hear.
I look down at the scar. Its a light pink, and it runs from my wrist to my chest. Clearing my throat, I answer, "I don't know. I was young when I got it."
She smiles and goes back to playing with Diego. In this moment, I want to be like her. Young and naïve, seeing the world as a beautiful place. Then I remember, I was her, not to long ago. I was an angel and I fell from grace. I trusted lies and scarred my heart and mind. And now, I'm scared for her, and every young child that is naïve. Once they see the darkness...no light can erase it. Give or take, there is at least five hundred people in this church. I'm awed. The kids from the orphanage sit anywhere they want, but I sit next to Eddy and Mama Celestia.
"Bow your heads in prayer," the pastor says.
While he's praying, I look around. I look at the walls, the stained glass, the outfits, and into Eddy's eyes. Wait, what?
"Your eyes are supposed to be closed," he whispers into my ear. I flinch back. This small interaction sends my whole body on alert. Will I ever be able to overcome my past?
I give a small...completely fake... smile and bow my head and close my eyes, not even having the courage to tell him that he shouldn't know if my eyes are open because his should be closed. When the prayer is over, I can feel Eddy watching me. I can't think right now, and I need a distraction from my thoughts. So I actually listen to the message. "We need to have faith, folks. Sometimes it may feel as if it is the end, and that there is no hope. We are lost, and we are confused. We ask God why, and we don't understand why he would put us through a test that causes so much pain and anger. That is when we need to have faith in God. We need to trust that he never gives us more than we handle..."
I lost faith a long time ago, but the more the pastor talks, the more I feel that maybe I can cross old bridges to make it to the other side. Maybe God is upstairs saying, Come on, Anastasia, try. And maybe if I can do that, it will make all the difference.