Reaper: Devil's Rose MC #1

Chapter 19: Madoc Steele

There is nothing like kissing Fiona. There was raw emotion in the way our fingers curled together in the moment of vehemence. Before our lips were to touch again, I kept my eyes half open, sneaking a guilty peek at her every time we came back for air, just to make sure this wasn't a product of my imagination. 

With every breath I take, I can smell her sweet strawberry perfume. The warm feeling of her breath, the softness of her mouth, the throaty moans of satisfaction, although destabilizing, were utterly inviting. I drape my arms around her small frame, feeling her fingers dancing across my torso, and soaking in the quiet present moment. 

Her lips are puffy and slightly bruised from my own, her chest pumping up and down rapidly. The sweetest smile I've ever seen in my entire life spreads across her face, her eyes shining happily. I tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear as I continue to gaze down at her beauty.

"Would you like to tell me about your family? Since I-"

"I would rather not tell you."

"Right. That's okay."

No, it's not okay. She's told me intimate, sacred things about herself, and I cannot even tell her my real name. That would mean commitment. That would mean risking my heart all over again. After Avery, my ex-fiancé who left me at the altar about three years ago, I haven't been able to imagine any other person coming and affecting my life the way she did. 

The plans to be alone and not pursue anything self-combusted when Fiona showed up in my life. And I'm so grateful for that, don't get me wrong. But I'm afraid of what she could possibly do to me, do to my heart. I was so heartbroken when Avery ran off with some other dude, leaving me stranded, angry, and alone, and we had a multitude of problems that needed to be solved. 

With Fiona, it's so easy to get wrapped up in her. So easy to want to love her to no end. Spoil her, caress her, kiss her. I distrust easy, but I also don't want to be away from her. She argues and challenges me in ways that no one has ever been courageous enough to try to do.

I can admit that to myself that I'm insecure and worried and terrified all at the same time. I can admit that I cannot deny myself from being in her presence which creates the most paradoxical thing that I have ever faced. Having someone in my home, someone I didn't know, and a woman at that...was already difficult. 

Now, I only want her here. I want her here when I wake, when I sleep. I want her to come home to me. I want to come home to her. I have always liked being alone. I was never a part of partying with the other guys and dancing (maybe doing more) with multiple women a night. I like coming home to a quiet house, cooking dinner for myself, watching movies, or reading all alone. 

But now that Fiona showed up, I want her to join me. It's now partially lonely to do all the things I love to do when she's not next to me, even if she isn't participating in the same activity. I find myself searching for her. I see something funny, and she's the first person I want to show it to. My mind instantly goes to her.

And it's terrifying. First, because I think I'm in love with her. Second, because my heart could be ripped into a hundred pieces. Third, because I have a hard time trusting women, and I trust her with my life. Fourth, what I had with Avery wasn't love even though I thought it was, so how do I possibly know this is love too. 

Finally, I would do anything for her. Literally anything. If she asked me to kill a man, I would do it. If she asked me to jump off a bridge, I would probably do it. That's fucking crazy. Not that she would ever ask me to do those two things, but I shouldn't want to do that for anyone. But I would, for her, I would. 

Instead of being brave enough, psychotic enough, to tell her how I am starting to feel about her, she doesn't even know my real name. Because once she knows, there's literally no going back from her just being something more than a friend to being my entire future.

"Reaper?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Do you want me to leave? I was only supposed to be here for like two nights or something, and I'm still here."

"No, I don't want you to leave."

"But I can."

"Don't leave, please."

"Then why? Why do you want me here but not tell me anything about you?"

"Because that means that you know me."

"I want to know you."

"I don't know if I want you to know me yet."

She doesn't say anything. Dead silence. Instead, she peels herself away from me. My shirt drips seductively down her body, but all I can think about is her out of my reach. Her lips curve downwards, her eyes now shining with tears. She dashes into the bathroom, a new outfit in her hands, and I can hear the sniffles coming from her even though I'm still laying in the bed. 

I rub my face, knowing that I've fully fucked up, but it's too late now. When the soft brushing of the toothbrush stopping in the bathroom, I close my eyes so I don't have to see her. I'm a stupid little shit. 

I hear the apartment door slam, and I'm immediately worried. She didn't even eat breakfast. It takes me five minutes to change into my clothes, my heart pounding out of my chest. 

How the hell am I going to apologize? Why am I sabotaging my love life on purpose? Of course, I want her to know me. I want her to know the deepest, darkest parts of me. I just don't know if I'm prepared for anything more than what we are doing now. 

Has anyone ever been prepared though? When am I going to stop being a fucking idiot and take the risk? There's no better time than now.

I run out the door, dashing down the steps, going so fast I almost trip. Thank god she doesn't have a car. I spot her about one hundred yards from the step of the apartment building. I call out her name, but she doesn't turn around for even a second. My legs carry me to her quickly, my feet pounding firmly on the pavement of the sidewalk. I run in front of her, my arms reaching out as I convince her to stop.

"Please, just hear me out. Can we go somewhere private and talk?"

She reluctantly nods in agreement, allowing me to lead her into one of the alleyways behind the row of housing.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry won't change the fact that you won't talk to me."

"It's been a long time-"

"I get that, I really do. I understand what it's like not to trust someone. You know, you met James. But here I am, fighting the urges I have to push away from you because I want to get to know who you are. I want you to know who I am. I can't know why you won't trust me when you won't tell me anything."

"I trust you, I do."

"If you really trusted me, it wouldn't be this hard to talk to me. You talk big, Reaper, but when are you going to start showing me?"

"I know that I can be difficult, but I promise I want you around. I promise that I will tell you."

"How long do you want me to wait for you to be ready? How long am I going to have to wait to get to know the basics of who you are? I'm not asking for your whole past relationship or all the shitty details about your life. You won't tell me anything."