Warm Cups, Warm Hearts

CHAPTER NINTEEN

AIDEN LASTIMOSA
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The flight to our honeymoon destination was beyond awkward to say the least. After the heart leaping take off incident, I wasn't able to even look Dallas in the eyes. Mas naisipan ko nalang na matulog ulit to avoid any conversation with him na I know, hindi ko lang kakayanin or even worst, mas lalong mag-short circuit ang utak ko and makagawa pa ng kahihiyan.

Now, I can really say that I'm really in the so-called "denial" phase. Trying to supress my feelings, and even making fun of everything na nakapalibot sa akin na evidently, nag-ppoint out sakanya. This was not what I have signed up for, heck, we're only a few months in the contract duration. And now, halos alam ko na ang nararamdaman para sakanya pero at the same time I'm overthinking and hence, being denial.

May times na naguguluhan ako whether yung feelings ba na namumuo sakanya is bound for love or just because of the kindness na pinakita niya sa akin all throughout the months na magkasama kami. Hindi ko naman inexpect na kung ganito pala iyon, napakabilis ko naman yatang ma-inlove sa isang tao. To the point where I overthink things, and even straight up get jealous sa kababata nito na nakausap ko nung mismong kasal pa namin.

The jealousy towards the two of them made me insecure about a lot of things. My appearance, my attitude, my view and even yung actions ko whether ka-aya aya ba ito sa paningin ni Dallas or hindi. I started to get concious sa lahat ng galaw ko, nagiging uncomfortable nadin kapag tinititigan niya and hindi ko din mabasa kung ano ang bumabalot sa isip niya habang tinitignan ako.

Love is a new thing for me. Hindi pa ako na-iinlove or kaya naman ininvest ang oras sa isang tao. And upon experiencing it right now, sobrang hirap and at the same time nandun yung gut feeling butterflies na bumabalot sayo because of that person. At the same time, Love was a scary topic for me. Whether the so called process of it before marriage and even after marriage.

There was this unending tragic thought kung what if magsawa yung tao sa akin? That's the one thing that scares me the most. And kung oras na siguro at para sabihin ni Dallas na tama na itong pagkukunwari na ginagawa namin, and that we should go on with our own lives. I'll never be the same again. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko uli i-bbuild yung sarili ko after nun. Hindi ko kaya.

I want to keep these thoughts and feelings para lang sa sarili ko. I don't want to assume and think kung may chance ba ako kay Dallas because clearly, wala. Alam ko walang point itong pagbubugbog ko sa sarili ko with all the possible realities pero, kailangan ko lang paghandaan ito. I know wala akong slim chance with him, and over the course of this contract, I'll try to accept it. Kahit man mahirap, kahit man alam ko sa dulo na ako ang talo sa una pa lang. At kahit man maisip ko na hindi ko kakayanin.

The hotel staff was walking ahead of us sa hotel na pinag-book-an for our honeymoon. Sobrang gara ng place at halata mong five-star hotel pa ito. Kumpleto sa ammenities, sobrang accommodating ng staff, at may pa-complimentary healthy juice pa pagkadating na pagkadating namin. Habang tinitignan ang iba't-ibang palamuti and frames na naka-surround sa walls ng hotel, I kept thinking na kahit man lang sa bawat sandali na kasama ko siya, sulitin ko nalang ang bawat oras na ito dahil alam kong hindi ko na ito mababalikan pa.

Sobrang pre-occupied ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko namalayan na nasa pintuan na pala kami ng kwarto namin kaya naman medyo napa-untog pa ako sa likod nito matapos itong tumigil bigla.

"This is the room you'll be staying for your honeymoon. Thank You so Much again for booking with us, if you have any concerns kindly dial our customer lounge. You can also check for the list of direct calls to our facilities if you have any concerns or if you want a room service specification. Again, Congratulations on your marriage." Ang huling saad ng hotel staff sa amin matapos maibaba narin ang gamit namin sa loob at maibigay ang key card na gagamitin namin all throughout our stay here.