Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

a look in the mirror

the best semester of high school ends and everything seems to crumble.
When I look at myself I see the highlighter on my face brighten up my complexion, my planned outfit doing it's thing, and my hair fluffy and flowing.
I take a step closer.
My hair is littered with split ends. It's fluffy and frizzy and awkwardly wavy because I don't know what it's true texture is and I don't know how to take care of it. Who has the time to anyway? My hairline is incredibly uneven, a slight widows peak is the weak barrier between a forehead and a five head. My baby hairs curl and stick up and out, too short to frame my face but too long to go unnoticed. Makes my forehead into a weird shape too. My hair doesn't know where to part, the side jjst makes the forehead worse, it lays unflattering-lay flat and makes me look like I'm balding. On the other hand— parting it in the middle like I do now, it doesn't lay flat at all, my left side sticks up and falls in a funny shape and angle making everything look entirely uneven. My hair curls right at the top where I part it and makes for a really gross hair focal point, and makes my forehead look like a triangle. Sure, I could blow dry my part in all nice every night and straighten it in the morning but who has the time for that either?
My skin is sensitive. My pores are huge and my stress acne only gets worse and worse as the acne itself begins to stress me out too. All over my forehead and my hair line. All on my cheeks  are tiny little acne-like bumps that I've never been able to wash away. My nose is shiny and covered in blackheads, my chin is oily but the rest of my face is desert dry. Oily and flaky. Moisturizer does nothing. It's also all incredibly sensitive. I pick at my skin because I think it'll make it better even though I know it won't and I can't stop. My skin hurts and it reddens and it scars and it bleeds. I wash it again and again and again.
I've been told my eyebrows are too thick. I always thought they were a good feature but I guess not. My eyes are small. My eyes might be the one thing I like about my appearance though, but they don't even work right. My glasses make me look terrible unless with the perfect outfit and setting and look. Contact don't work for me. My left eye is weak. My head hurts all the time. I go blurry eyed and cross eyed. But I refuse to wear my glasses out. My nose? Oh god here we go. Sometimes... sometimes it's ok. Like when I get out of the shower and it's de-swelled as much as possible. It's the worst in the morning. There's a bump that ruins my side profile, it's insanely round with no structure.
My lips? Even worse. So incredibly small. Thin, and my mouth is small. The worst of both worlds. When I relax my face they're barely there to me, and they rest in a funny shape, like a weird pout. Lipstick and lipgloss look terrible on me.
My chin is fatty, my upper lip has dark hair, my ears have scars in them, and my teeth are yellow and crooked. They hurt too.
My arms are lanky, I don't know what to do with them when I stand or walk to sit or sleep. My hands are manly and my nails are wide. I have lots of arm hair and more bumps on my skin, and freckles that are apparently weird to have. My shoulders are too broad and I don't know how to stand up right. My boobs are too weird of a size to fit in affordable bras or cute shirts. My stomach bloats so much it's bigger than my ass sometimes. It hurts to eat too much. I have acne all over my torso too. My hips are too small and my waist is too big. My bust is large my waist is medium my hips are small. My butt has keratosis pilaris along with the rest of my body but I'd say it's the worst there. Don't know if that's a blessing or a curse in the circumstance of having it at all. There's acne there too. I'm insecure about my vagina because it's nothing like porn star. They be like "only wipe front to back" but bitch I can't bc my inner labia is too long. It's annoying and I'll be getting surgery once I'm old enough and can afford to. My thighs are white and bumpy and squishy. Too sticky when I stand but too big when I sit. My legs are insanely long and lanky and make me look more awkward. Wish I was 5'4. My feet are fucked and fall inwards, makes me walk and run funny.
I'm always gross I'm always sweaty I'm always in pain I'm always trying to cover it all up. I don't want to wear dirty clothes but I have no choice sometimes.
Dont get me started on my personality.
I am stressed beyond belief. I am still a 14yo in my brain. I have been 14 for three years. I don't know how to exist properly. I don't know how to grow up, let alone in time.
I have friends who don't respond and don't seem to care how I'm doing even when it's obvious I'm not ok. I know they're not my therapists but it'd be nice to just hear from them. I'd be there for all of them if they'd talk about how they felt.
I am nothing like I thought I'd be. Nothing like I wanted to be or tried to be. I am no put together pretty senior girl who takes candid pictures with her friends when she goes out. And yes I want that.
I have a boyfriend who said he loves me but I don't know if I believe him. I love him too but I don't think he loves me the same. He said it first. Btw. I just want to see him. He's busy but I just... I'll be honest and yea I do wait around for him. Sometimes with texts or to hang out. I waited this whole long week hoping to see him this Sunday but he's busy. I know he can't always help it but I still get sad and I'm always the one to ask to hangout. I will be surprised if I'm invited to his grad party, if he hasn't already had it. Who am I to know. I am scared he'll go to college and find someone better. I honestly don't know why he's dating me. I am afraid to openly love him because I am afraid he'll leave or think it's just too much. He'd be a good dad.
I cry for comfort I cry for sadness I cry in anxiety and stress that nobody else seems to understand.
I am tired.
So incredibly tired.