Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

college sucks

Hello all it's been a bit. If I'm gonna be straight up I think I'm honestly at my lowest again, but it sucks because it's not in a way like before. It's not because of a breakup or because of family, I just... idk. College sucks, I hate it. But I also hate being home because I realize there's like barely anything to go home to. I'm failing a class, I have so much homework and no ambition. I've had no ambition for any school. College without a social life is horrible, it's so hard to meet people and it's just a whole new field. I'm rooming with sofie which is wonderful but I'm still so lonely. And sad. But I can't even cry. The first few days that I started feeling sad and everything I cried like every night wishing I could just not have to live anymore. I don't have any enjoyment in anything. I stare at my phone home screen and just... Idek. Social media is all boring and draining, I used to find some entertainment in watching dumb tiktoks or videos or acquaintances stories and stuff but I don't even care anymore. I can't sleep but I'm always tired, I skip class and when I go it stresses me out. Yesterday I actually got up for my 8:30, I was late, and then I sat there and slowly felt sick and so at the end of class I sped walked to my dorm building and once I got into my room I like violently gagged into the trash. Couldn't even throw up bc I hadn't eaten anything. It hurts to eat, no food is that good anymore, most of the time when I eat it's only bc I know I should. Have tried a few times to really dig deeper into my relationship with Jesus but it seems like so daunting of a task. Even though it shouldn't be. I never realize how much undiagnosed ADD I might have until I see sofie sit down and do her work and just get things done and I'll sit at my computer for forever just swiping through all my windows and tabs re-reading the little bit that I've wrote. I can't even bring myself to write poetry anymore or lyrics it's just all escaping me. I'm writing a paper about Taylor Swift who I adore and I can't even bring myself to write it. I started vaping and it's horrible. The idea of drinking makes my stomach churn. The taste of weed is nasty. Only time I have fun is when I go to Hope to see Maggie and that just sucks bc I don't even go there like I'm friends with her friends but they're not technically MY friends if that makes sense. I don't want to do Social Work anymore but I don't know what to do. I want to do youth ministry and make music but that just seems so embarrassing to say and it shouldn't be. Idek if I want to stay at GVSU but I don't want to leave sofie. I'm just so. I don't know anymore. I just feel everything and nothing at once I'm so sad and stressed and miserable but at the same time I can't find a single emotion inside me. The only bright side to my well-being is that I honestly don't feel sad about Michael too much. Lyric liked my close friends Instagram story (he's on mine bc I'm still on his for some reason and it was a mirror pic of me) and so I liked his most recent tiktok (I don't follow him) and then he liked my tiktok about sending Michael a letter. It's all odd. I like Lyric but I don't know if I see us dating for logistical reasons and just bc idk if he can handle my mind. But I also wouldn't wanna just not give it a chance but maybe it was just a like and it's not that deep. Idk. My chest hurts a lot, I keep having bad dreams and sleep paralysis. The other day I took a half-nap and half woke up but wouldn't move and I was trying to sit up and was screaming sofie sofie sofie bc I was full on panicking id not be able to wake up but then I was suddenly able to move and I was definitely not actually screaming. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I have the energy to do anything. If you read these I love you. Maybe I'll write more often now. Maybe not. See you in at least a couple months. <3