Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

a short statement

to the boy who has consumed my mind for far too long;

first love? yes.
real love? as far as we knew then, yes. looking back now maybe not quite what we'd believe. but just because we think different now doesn't mean those feelings back then we're any less real.
we've been over the heartbreak, many times in these books.
was your reason stupid? yes.
does that change the outcome? not quite.
just because I don't agree with the reason, doesn't mean it'll all stay in place.

"When [a person] falls out of love with you there's nothing you can do to get them to love you again, they just don't love you anymore." ~Taylor

yes you broke me.
yes i didn't know how to handle it all.
yes you were mean.
yes I was psycho, repetitive, annoying, obsessive.
yes you had too high of expectations, yes you were overly critical.
yes I was too, just not always straight to your face.
yes I am still working on getting through, I can see the end but I'm still not quite there.
yes you should respect that, like I have now learned to respect you.
yes some days it kills me to think about you in any way and yes some days it kills me to see this person you've become.
yes some days I prayed to God for you to be mine and I'd just cry and cry because I don't know the truth.
yes I pray he just does his will and to push me out of my comfort zone if it will help me get where I need to be even if it's far, far away from you.
yes I still have dreams about you; that I cannot control.
yes I tried so hard to get you back yes I was over sharing yes I was desperate yes I spilled my heart to you when I shouldn't have yes I threw reasons in your face about why I wish you would change your mind.
yes you made side comments yes you rolled your eyes,
yes you were too judgmental of a heart broken soul crushed brain dead girl.
yes you have changed and yes I have too.
in the back of my mind part of me still sits and waits for you, and tears pour out of her eyes every morning when the sun reminds her she is alone.
yes I pushed my whole heart onto you, and it wasn't not enough but too much, I know.
yes I face my daily battles with the heartbreak rotting in my mind.
yes I love and hate you every single day.
yes I'm just an afterthought to you, as it has been a long time.
yes I deserve better than you,
and yes you need to open your eyes.

so now it's been long over, I know it oh so well,
please don't remind me.
I'm done picking it all apart,
done with the anxiety done with the judged tears.
let me heal at my own pace,
because yes michael, it was all real.