Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

no glitter

You know I just.
I just...
*sigh*
I get that high school doesn't have to be amazing. I get the not everyone has THAT high school experience. I get that people who "peak" in high school end up in weird sucky wack lives. But I just....
I wanna have some damn fun.
Like no, I don't wanna go fuck some guys do crack and end up drunk in a ditch.
But I don't wanna keep sitting here doing nothing, crying in my room. Waiting for someone, ANYONE to want to do something. To want to hangout with me. Switching schools was hard enough, losing a whole ass group of friends was hard enough. All on top of still getting over a breakup is hard enough. All on top of everything surrounding my mother situation... was hard. enough.
I wanna go do things I wanna have memories. I wanna have funny vids from classes with friends I wanna have pictures from going places and just when we look good and have stupid captions on my posts. I wanna have inside jokes and be included and be wanted. And no not by some stupid ass motherfucking guy, by a group of FRIENDS. But damn I really ain't got shit I feel like.
...
And I know you're going back to cspa and I hate sounding so... hypocritical (?) but I guess that's kinda hard for me. It's stupid but like, I mean when I left I was just scared and I didn't really have anyone at hartland and I'm still just on my own. But I guess when you go back ya know like, you'll have friends and everything and people seem to like me less than everyone else. You know people always liked sofie more kinda thing and I guess I just always feel that way. It's stupid I know I know I know and I never say anything bc I know it's selfish, I guess I'm just really insecure. I just don't know why people don't like me so much. And I don't mean that in a "I'm amazing why don't you like meeeee" way. It's genuine, like I'm not annoyed but it I'm really sad about it.
i don't really know anymore I'm so like, done.
With what? No clue.
And New Years pisses me off like ok cool guess I'll just sit at home alone at fucking midnight probably scared out of my mind.
But I'm not getting into that.
fucking hell.