Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

2nd of the 2020s

Right now I'm crying again and it's time to just be honest. It's so embarrassing for people to ask "how's your new school?" "Have you made friends?" "Can you do things in gymnastics?"
Because what I wanna say is that in my new school I'm just getting along, that no i don't have friends, and no i can't do any gymnastics.
Spanish I sit alone
Second hour I sit alone
History I sit alone
Math I sit alone
Fifth hour I sit with someone but not close
English I sit alone
Chemistry I almost had friends but now I sit alone.

Gymnastics I practice alone. I have anxiety about what everyone thinks of me. So I don't do shit. I don't do better. Because I'm afraid of looking stupid.
I'm awkward and sometimes think I have an actual mental disorder that makes me awkward. I walk awkward I can't talk clearly I can't talk to people.
My anxiety makes me feel like nobody on the team likes me.
I'm shy I'm so shy right now.
When people are standing around in a group I walk up and it suddenly disperses.

Church I feel like it's the only thing that makes me through the week but every time I go it feels like nobody wants me there.
Nathan sent me a black screen once everyday until today when he lost our streak.
Fuck him anyways I don't like him I'm just sad and lonely and when I get really sad and cry like I am now I just miss Michael not because I love him but bc I'm so lonely.
But now Michael just gives me anxiety beyond belief, I was shaking that second day of class.
Zac doesn't seem to care anymore so whatever.
I have nothing going for me.
I have nothing.
I have no talents no hobbies no friends.
I wanna sing I wanna fucking make some damn fucking music but no matter how many times I try to learn piano or how many times I ask people for help it just never ducking happens.
Im fucking hopeless.