Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

this is why i give up

I seriously hate this.
All I've ever wanted to fucking do in life the most is write song and sing them but I fucking suck and I feel like nobody even fucking supports me like I try on my own I try to learn piano but nothing ever clicks nothing ever works. Like I'm just that fucking stupid where I can't learn a fucking instrument or any music thing on a computer either and i hate it I fucking hate it. My parents never said anything after I CRIED at my recital thing back in November or December or whenever it was. Michael told me I "wasn't terrible" like that makes me wanna fucking die. Yeah whatever I know I shouldn't rely on others for approval but this is different. Because it's something I wanna actually do it's something I need HELP with and nobody takes me seriously and now I'm just straight up afraid to be honest with anyone about how this is what I want bc I'm scared they'll just brush it off or laugh. Like if I do suck at singing if I do suck at writing songs of my fucking lisp makes me too hard to understand my singing then can someone just fucking tell me instead of ignoring me so I don't sit here in my dads garage and bawl my eyes out trying to write a song? I don't even know what to do this is why I fucking hate myself I'm not good at anything useful I don't have friends I don't even have people who don't like me bc nobody gives me a fucking second look. I start gymnastics and everyone thinks I'm some amazing gymnast now and ask to see me do stuff and it's fucking embarrassing to say well actually I can't do anything. If I say I sing they'll ask to hear me sing and if I say no they'll persist and they expect that bc I'm shy I must have an amazing voice but no I'm shy because I suck and nobody  believes in me but despite that I still hold onto nothing and write songs that I'll never get to show anyone because I'm not good enough. And you know I don't even want to be the absolute best I don't need to be I just wanna do it because I like it but nowadays Im only able to do something like this if I'm the absolute best. I got my mom who told me I "would be ok at karaoke at places but you couldn't be taylor swift" and Milo who tells me to shut up when I sing in the fucking shower, my ex-boyfriend who thinks I'm pathetic, and everyone else's crappy support. And you know it's fucking annoying because you know who's probably gonna be famous? Michael. The jackass of a guy with the biggest ego I've ever fucking seen just because he's good looking, can play guitar and can sing but he "just doesn't like to". You know I'm right and it's unfair it's fucking unfair what the hell am I supposed to do with my life and how the hell can I handle seeing someone like him patted on the back every time he does anything and I'm constantly doubted.
This is why I give up.