Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

no filter.

I'm sick of it all.
I feel so incredibly lonely and unwanted and like I don't belong anywhere.
My anxiety throughout my life has played a major part and held me back from so many things.
Freshman year, I didn't really talk to anyone. I was scared, shy, sad bc of the breakup.
I ended up eating lunch alone for the past month or so, and before that I sat with my brother and his friends in a classroom before seniors left. Does anyone even care when I say that?
I left bc I felt like shit and I had nobody truly wanting me to stay. They just kinda went :/ and were like ok
I go to hartland, it sucks.
Gosh there were days especially last year where I literally didn't talk ALL day. Not in class not at lunch not to anyone. My throat literally felt closed. The anxiety was just as bad at cspa just in a slightly different form.
I didn't have friends.
Then gymnastics.
I don't even know if I want to talk about that.
Then I try to still be friends with cspa people bc that's what everyone else did when they went to public school.
I wanted to go to winterfest. I really wanted to go. But I guess I'm simply not fucking wanted I'm simply too much of a fucking burden or I'm too clingy.
There's been times where I think I've started to make friends and then it just... doesn't happen. Or I'm gifted with their fucking hate, surprise! Yeah I'm looking at you: lilley ally etc.
Church? All fucked up. So fucked up. I hate it.
Music? Don't even rn.
I feel fucking ugly. Every other girl grew up pretty and short and proportioned and with big eyes and a symmetrical and smaller nose and full lips. I'm awkward and lanky and too tall and my eyes are small and broken and my nose is crooked and round and big and my lips are small and thin. My stomach literally bloats to where it's bigger than my ass. My hair part fucking hates me. I walk funny I run funny. I can't fucking speak clearly or hear clearly or read clearly. My grades aren't even good. I feel like a pity friend. Like people just hang out with me bc they're afraid I'll just like, kill my self or some shit if they don't.
High school is and has been fucking hard and I'll have nothing to show that I survived besides a fucking diploma with an average gpa.
Bc ALL IVE EVER BEEN IN LIFE IS AVERAGE OR FUCKING BELOW AVERAGE.
The guys on those surveys gave me a 6/10 for my looks. "You shouldn't care about what they say" yeah shut the fuck up. My own ex boyfriend apparently didn't even think I was that pretty. And the conversation skill thi bc s were way lower than a 6.
All I see when I go on vsco and Instagram is other girls and their lips and noses. Not even kidding it's all i can see.
I have no friends to hang with to the point where I don't even know how to hang with people. I don't know how to talk to people.
I feel like sofie talks to me different.
I asked eríka if people even wanted me back at cspa and she just kinda changed the subject.
Guess zac was right that schools so much better without me.
Maybe everyone's life would be better too without me all together.
I'm just too lost to keep writing about this.
I just want to be done with high school and go to college and either a. things get better or b. I just go live life alone in peace.
i feel lifeless.