Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

let down faith

I had so much faith in him that he'd become a genuine person, and you'd think their supposed breakup would change something in him, but I guess not. He gets up there and makes it about politics and putting others down, he always does. I wish he'd realize there's more to life. I'm not perfect either I'm not tryna say this from an "I'm better than you" perspective. Because trust me I know I have much to work on and people seeing me act the way I do probably think I'm some oblivious drama queen so. But man seeing him like that on the outside kills me it kills me but, it's not anything that relates to me. I have to let it go bc him being him isn't mine to control or hold onto.

I'm also just gonna be honest about something in both directions. I feel like I get these feelings and I don't know if they're true. Because in one sense, me not believing the feeling could be stopping me from what's supposed to be, or it could be protecting me. Or, me believing it could be screwing me over with false hope, or it could be setting me up quietly. Idk.
That "feeling" is that Michael is supposed to be in my life somehow. Romantically or not.
This is because
A. I had that feeling way back of I was supposed to marry him BUT that could very easily be younger me being head over heels for a first boyfriend
B. Katie and other people keep saying things along the lines of "and if I'm a few years along the line he comes back in your life and is the one that's ok and if he's not then that's ok" BUT that could be them trying to not be so brutally honest with me
C. The guy that did the prophetic word with (to?) me at fire night said how there's gonna be important people in my life and some I've already met (something along those lines but I distinctly remember the "and some you've already met" part) BUT that could be anyone AND Katie said how people shouldn't prophetise (can't find spelling for that word? But def: to give prophetic word) dates, mates, or babies. BUT pastor bill made a joke one time about how they haven't followed that rule sometimes.
So idk. I just thought I'd be honest with that because I feel like it's been a tiny thing floating in my mind for awhile.
We're not friends with him, we're not even acquaintances with him either. Barely mutual. We're not hoping for him we're not talking to him we're not going back to him. We're simply seeing him as a person I have moved on from, and someone who goes to my church.