hey, so, shit is.... idek.
I don't even know.
"Take me to the lakes where all the poets went to die, I don't belong."
michael.
I've said this name a million times.
He is the only guy who has ever made me feel safe and loved for my soul and heart, and not just for my body.
I swear I didn't plan to take this long.
Sometimes it's hard to even remember him.
He's so long gone.
I miss who he was when I first met him, but maybe it helps knowing that I'm the only one who will have ever met that version of him.
Kind, stood up for me, listened instead of asking me to speak up, funny, vibrant, warm.
Then he was gone faster than I could even say goodbye, so I've been saying goodbye to his ghost for the past 2 years.
I wish, I wish when I talked about it my friends would listen. But instead they say; you need to stop thinking about him, stop living in the past, you need to let it go.
Like you don't think I don't know that?
The past 2 years have been at a standstill
Paralyzed in a false reality i weaved together out of longing and fear.
He has called me sensitive, and told me he can't spend the rest of his life with me, he's argued with me, been disrespectful, lied, tried talking to my friends.
AND I STILL LOVE HIM AND I DON'T KNOW HOW.
I don't know if it's love, self hatred, manipulation, insecurity, or I don't even know.
Too tired to write more.
I'm just so, so tired.
Not an angry or annoyed tired,
But, my heart is barely beating and I feel like standing up is too much work.
Thinking takes up all of my energy and it's starting to drain every last bit of me.
YOU ARE READING
Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV
NonfiksiYou know how it be down in Mere town. Welcome back. (If you haven't read Mere's Thoughts 1-3 they're still here and I'd suggest reading those first to get some background knowledge if you care haha)
