Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

For some reason

So I've kinda been noticing similarities with reasons I randomly get really upset/ get upset about "ridiculous" things so I tried to narrow it down

Things that seem to trigger something in me:

1. Getting rid of things "without consent", especially when it causes a physical change I see (like in the house, outside, etc)
2. Any type of breaking or destroying of things or mentioning of it
3. Being left out in any way even if pretty minimal
4. Mentioning/joking about/ hearing about specific child (mental or physical) abuse

Idk I just feel like small stuff from childhood somehow make me just absolutely lose hold of rational thinking and reality when those happen or I remember one happening.

For example;
1. Sobbed like twice over a layer of bricks from our yard being taken down and sold bc my mom just "felt like getting rid of them"
2. Have sobbed over my Barbie's multiple times
3. Don't think I cried but got so angry and scared and on edge/tense/uneasy/jumpy when I accidentally came across an article where a mom forcefully shaved her daughters head as 'punishment' (even that word makes me uncomfortable)
4. Cried when I remembered the time where; when I was little I had a gymnastics ribbon for completing a season and Max was like fiddling with it and folded it/creased it and I got upset and my mom was like "stop crying or I'm gonna cut it up into a million tiny pieces and throw it away"
5. Cried when my dad mentioned (and other people jokes about) when my grandma (his mom) popped like a toy ball when he was younger bc she was mad
6. I get so fucking upset whenever there's animal abuse that's often overlooked like little kids hurting animals and stuff like that
7. Cried and threw things because Max dried my new sweatshirt and the soft stuff inside got matted
8. Rn Ive been sobbing because we took a group photo with our neighbors and I wanted to do a serious one and was like "are we doing thug" and nobody really said anything so I lip-smiled and turns out they all did serious faces and I can't photoshop myself to have a serious face

Like there is something wrong with me something that triggers me because this shit isn't normal. And I don't know what to do about it.
Like lately I get soooo randomly mad like I want to fucking scream until I tear my throat to shreds and punch stuff and throw things like I'm afraid one of these days I'm gonna hurt someone because it takes a lot for me to calm myself down.