Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

oct. 21, 2020

hey
it's been a little while.
Gosh remember when I wrote in here like multiple times a day. I kinda use my private stories on snap more instead.
I don't even know what to cover on the life-summary.
Idek if I wanna do a life summary.
I feel lonely.
I feel purposeless.
I feel anxious.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel disappointed.
I feel like I can't trust anyone.

School sucks, gymnastics is ok, youth sucks.
I'm just tired. I don't have any motivation.
I don't know why michael doesn't talk to me, idk what I did.
Idk why nathan stopped talking to me a year ago.
Idk why travis is 18 and still being gross.
Idk why I'm at hartland.
Idk why people don't want me at cspa
Idk why zac brings up old things and is gross and weird and makes me uncomfortable.
I feel like I'm in a bubble.
When I sat in the nursing mothers room at floodgate the one time, that embodied exactly how I felt.
Alone in a dark room watching everyone else sing and dance and talk. The echo of the bass bouncing around, muffled.
I could see them but they couldn't see me.
Looking through a tiny window.

There has been days.

And I wonder if there's just something that's gone over my head. If there's something I've been missing all these years. Like everyone else is in on this secret or these norms and I'm oblivious and confused. I'd take a speeding blazing bullet sheer through my heart for some people and they would say "I didn't ask her to" and they would be at home with their friends during my funeral.

I'd cause a gigantic weeping crowd but where are they now.

I keep putting bandaids on but my wounds won't heal.

I barely remember her, I wish I could hug her.
Right before they all leave.
Long blonde hair and a quiet voice, silver lining on the brown muck of her soul. Paper thin consciousness and space deep wonder.
I lost my chance with her.
Now here I am, reborn with scars.

Not to sound dramatic or anything.