Meredith's Thoughts Volume IV

a first

well, first,
Finished my first year of college, it fucking blew I'm not gonna lie. But, ya know, I got through. Did I show up 12 minutes late to a final I then bullshitted? Yea. Did I have to send countless "please please PLEASE" emails? Yea. But I got credit. Yes my gpa took a mad hit, but at least I didn't lose money on the classes. I have a lot of good things lined up for this year tho that I'm excited about. Rooming with Mia with sofie nearby, Campus Ministry small group leading with Mila (yes mia and Mila two diff people lol), gonna be rushing (!!!!) (gosh I hope it doesn't fuck up the campus ministry thing for REAL I'm nervy), and decent classes ig.
But anyway, what I came here to talk about was; nothing. Literally. For the first time in my entire life I feel nothing. But, not in a good way. Like... my life is fine, nothing bad happening, not hung up on anything, no drama no whatever. But I'm literally here like: 🫥😐😶👤🤷‍♀️🦌🪹🌑🌫️
Like even me writing all this now feels fake and not real and it's almost making me mad? Is that improvement if I'm getting kinda mad? But then I feel like I'm faking being mad and faking faking being mad and etc etc cycle goes on.
I guess maybe it all finally hit me.
Michael, my mom, church, a life of feeling an outsider, social anxiety, loneliness, school struggles... it all just... imploded.
Or something.
I mean I know it's depression which is so weird bc I thought I was depressed before but boy... I miss being able to be sad like that. As horrible as it was it was so much easier to at least grasp bawling over Michael or hyperventilating over my mom or force myself through each day of high school.
I feel so far from myself. Not entirely third person but something of that sort. Like I'm wearing one of those virtual reality goggle things. I'm total brain fog. I'm literally deer in the headlights constantly. I am always thinking NOTHING. I go to therapy and I don't feel like I'm there and I get in my car and I don't feel like anything that happened actually happened and that I wasn't myself and then I get home and the car ride felt fake and then I'm home and I don't know what I even do for the rest of the day and then I stay awake for no reason and then I wake up and I don't even know.
And I've said "I don't even know" so many fucking times in all these journal book things but I think this is the first time this is most unknowing I've ever felt. Like this experience exceeds the definition of "I don't even know".
I can't express empathy or sympathy or concern or happiness or truth to ANYONE. I don't even realize I acted cut off and isolated in my own living room until days later. I can't remember any of this summer I feel like I have spent no time with anybody but also no time with myself because I just can't fill time there's too much but also there's no time to fill and not bc it's full but bc it doesn't exist.
I am just going through the motions everyday. I couldn't tell you what I did 2 days ago. I couldn't tell you anything bc I just don't know. Do I even talk anyone? Yea but like I don't fucking know. And it's so hard to explain. It's not like I'm depressed in a way where I'm in bed not going anywhere not taking care of myself not wanting to do anything (I mean I kinda don't wanna do anything but also I really do so idk that one's complicated but ANYWAY). Like I'm just so so so so not there. I'm so gone all the time and I feel like I've gone so far from myself I'm afraid I won't be able to get back. I'm afraid that once I feel this way I won't be able to unfeel it or un-know it. I don't talk to myself like I used to, I don't write, I don't analyze I don't think I don't feel I don't exist.
So I guess there's my update. Maybe it's this whole medication situation and hopefully that gets clears up tomorrow, or, today I guess.
And also I need my birth control pills bc I canNOT be breaking out like this anymore I refuse. So, yea.
I also thought maybe coming back here would help bc it's a lot easier to type on my phone then break my hand writing in a journal and it felt a little less intimidating maybe? So, until next time, which might be months lol.