Sanctuary (A Dan Smith/ Bastille fanfic)

23. Dan

I can’t do it. I seriously can’t do it.

I can’t keep away from her.

The weekend was possibly one of the most painful ones I’ve ever had. Before, loneliness wasn’t a problem. I was always lonely, true. But I was blissfully unaware of how unhappy being lonely makes me feel.

Now I’ve had a taste of friendship I want to grasp onto it and never let go. Especially with her.

Loneliness isn’t an option anymore.

I don’t know why I try to stay away. I don’t truly believe what Fran has told me about her but I guess I’m using that as an excuse to keep back. I guess I know that if I put myself out there I will get hurt.

My thoughts are racing whilst I sit in my politics lesson, so much so that I make an excuse to leave early just so that I can get some time away to think. I pace out of the classroom and through the college halls and over the field until I’m towards the wooded area which I know as my safe space. All I need is a cigarette and time to think on my own with no distractions.

But I forget that someone else knows about this area. As I walk through the trees I see her sitting there. Her knees are up to her chest and she rests her chin on them as she takes drag after drag of her cigarette. At first she doesn’t hear or see me because of the headphones in her ears and her closed eyes but as soon as she does a shocked expression takes over her face. Fuck, she doesn’t want to see me.

“Dan.” She stumbles over her words and tugs the headphones from her ears. “I’m sorry.” She apologises for no apparent reason. It’s only when she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand that I look at her properly and notice her tear stained cheeks.

“Chloe.” I immediately get closer to her and drop to my knees. “What’s wrong? Who’s done this to you?” I search her face for an answer. I reach out to comfort her but then pull my hands back. She doesn’t want to be touched by me.

“You really don’t know Dan?” I shake my head slowly, unsure of what she means. “You have.” She breathes out and lets out a small sob. “Fuck, I’m pathetic.”

“What the hell Chloe?” I stand up quickly. “What did I do?” I think through my actions. I’ve done what is best for her, I’ve backed off. How could she be this upset over that?

She begins to fiddle about with the headphones in her hands as a distraction technique, making me jealous that I don’t have anything in my hands to distract myself. “You just kind of dropped me. Like we get on so well and then the other day you just got bored. I guess I should have seen it coming.” She shrugs, leaving me baffled.

I knew exactly what she meant. I had dropped her just like she said. But I thought it was for both of our own goods. I was being distant and that was for a reason, I guess it was time to address that reason.

“I.. I can explain. My sister told me some stuff that I wasn’t sure about.” I began to speak, unsure if I wanted to go through all of this. Leave now and you don’t have to say anything Dan. Leave now and you can go back to ignoring each other. But I couldn’t leave. I could never leave her.

“What? How is that relevant right now Dan? Can we talk about this?” She begins to look agitated by my slow explanation.

“It is relevant.” I run my hand through my hair as I work out what it is that I want to say. “She was just telling me some things about you and what you got up to before you moved here.” I pause again, thinking about how I was going to approach this further.

“Spill it Dan.” Chloe crossed her arms and waited for me to continue.

“So she mentioned about the car crash, which obviously you already told me about.”