Sanctuary (A Dan Smith/ Bastille fanfic)

48. Dan

I find myself feeling slightly choked up as Chloe gets out of the car. We never had any real closure before and that sort of felt like closure to me. This heavy weight of regret that I've been living with for the past four years has suddenly vanished and I'm left with this deep hole pining to be filled.

I shouldn't feel this way, should I? After saying a goodbye to her I should feel happy to be able to move on. So why do I feel like complete and utter shit? Without knowing for the past four years, I've clearly been hopeful that something may actually happen between me and the first girl I ever loved. It feels like that chapter of the book has finished and I've moved onto the next one a long time ago, but I keep wanting to go back to enjoy the last chapter once more. I can't seem to keep focused on the next chapter; it's not as interesting as the last chapter.

For the past four years I've thought about that last chapter every day, but today it's like I finally need to start paying attention to the next chapter, or else I will simply lose my place. I need to keep up with the book. I need to keep up with my life.

Now I know that Chloe is okay, I can actually think about what would make me okay. Is Eloise the person that's going to make be okay? Heck, I don't know, but I think she makes me feel okay and that's about it. I don't want just okay though, I want good, great, amazing, perfect. I want that perfect ending to my own story, not the one that you read and then you regret ever picking up the book in the first place. I want one where you finish the book and are flipping back the pages to read it all over again, every last bit of it. The ups, the downs, the happy times, the arguments, every last bit of the book I want to enjoy.

And it's right now that I've not enjoyed this chapter in my book. I haven't looked forward to continuing the story, or jumped at the chance to reread it. I've coasted along not wanting to face up to the fact that I really am not enjoying this book. That I need to stop fighting for this chapter to be a good one and finally admit what I already know.

I don't want Eloise. I don't want Eloise at all. Of course I don't. Of course I've wasted this time trying to persuade myself that it's fine being just fine. It's not though, it needs to change.

I've been so busy trying to keep a happy ending to someone else's story that I've completely forgotten about my own. I've been far too concerned in hurting Eloise where I need to take this time to be selfish. She'll have no problem getting over me anyway; she could get any guy she wants. As long as he has the back bone to actually stand up to her every once in a while but he still let's her get away with a lot, she'll be happy. She'll get her happy ending too one day.

As soon as I get home I panic, trying to think of what to say to Eloise. I know she'll be angry and I know she'll end up shouting and the thought of that petrifies me so much that I nearly want to say fuck it, I'll live with my crappy book. But I know I have to do this.

I spend the next few hours scrawling lyrics on scrap pieces of paper to help clear my head. If I get these words out then I'll be able to think properly. But it's no use, and for some reason none of the words actually make any sense. I finally throw my pencil down after a couple of hours and throw the pages of paper on the floor in a fit of rage. I look down at the mess that I've made and just laugh, I don't know why, but I just do.

Then I decide that I need a cigarette and so I open my window and climb out onto the roof to the place where I would always sit as a teen on the ledge on my roof.

And that's when I see her again.  I should have known that the moment that I came to find sanctuary she would be there. We did share all of those places after all. Yesterday at the park, there she was, and now here on the roof, she's here again. It's like we're following each other against our own will.

"Hi." I decide to start conversation, this is Chloe after all and if I can't talk to her right now then who can I talk to?

"Hey." She smiles towards me for a brief second before a sad look takes is place back over her face. "We said we weren't going to talk anymore." She looks forward as if that will mean that we aren't together right now. "I should go back inside." She comments but doesn't make any attempt to move.

"Are you okay?" I ask, not sure of what else to say at this moment. She sure as hell doesn't look okay though. Dan you fucking idiot asking if she's okay.

"I... I won't get into it. Then we'll be here for hours and we shouldn't. I just want to say I'm sorry and I hope it all works out for you." She sighs loudly so that I can hear it from where I'm sat.

"Wait.. Chloe, you're talking crazy. What have you got to apologise about?" I stare at her, begging with my eyes to just look at me. If she looks at me then I can get some sort of reassurance that she's okay.

"I'm not going to go into it now, but you will understand soon. I'm just sorry, okay?" She finally looks at me and I see the tears rolling down her cheeks. My natural instinct is to jump up and clamber over the rooftop to get to her, but I have to fight that instinct and stay in my spot.

"Please just talk to me Chloe." I plead with her to tell me something, anything; whether that is good or bad I don't care I just need to know.

"I can't Dan, I can't." She breathes in a jolted breath whilst she composes herself. "Fucking hell, why am I crying?!" She laughs through tears and then shakes her head in an attempt to get rid of the tears. "But I can't speak to you, Eloise won't be-"

"Fuck Eloise." I talk way too quickly and nearly spill to Chloe that me and Eloise will no longer be in a relationship by the end of tonight. I think for a moment before telling Chloe something that will make our own relationship even more strained.

"Dan look, remember what we said a few hours ago? Just don't push me, okay? I'm going now because it's what's right. It's what you chose, remember that please? You chose that and so stick to it."

"What do you mean?" I furrow my brows in confusion. None of what she's saying is making any sense to me.

"You know what I mean Dan, don't be stupid. We've had this conversation a few hours ago so we don't need to repeat it. I stay out of your way, you stay out of my way, we remain civil and all will be okay. Just promise me something?" She pauses and I nod, caring far too much about what she's about to say rather than the fact that I'm agreeing to it. "Fight for her, please. Do all that you can to make it work between the two of you; I know that's what's meant to be for you. Please."

Within seconds, Chloe is back in her own house and I'm again left confused and on my own.

She was talking about Eloise, there's no doubt about that. But there is now doubt about my decision that I thought that I was so sure of. Why would Chloe say that? Does she know that I'm never going to do any better than Eloise? Why has she planted this seed of doubt into my mind which I thought was finally going to be clear today?