Sanctuary (A Dan Smith/ Bastille fanfic)

67. Dan

The bile rises and burns my throat and I want to throw myself over the pier into the water, letting the sea consume me. I could sink down to the sand and allow it to swallow me up so that I would never have to face any problems in life.

It's a tempting though, but no, I can't do that. I have to be an adult and face up to the fact that I have just made an absolute tit out of myself.

The silence spreads between us like its main mission is to fuck up my life. Neither of us know what to say and I can't look at her, because I'm sure that if I do I'll break.

I've just put myself on the line for this girl. The girl I love. The girl who I thought loved me. How foolish of me. Did I honestly believe that she would ever say yes? Obviously I knew it was a longshot, I mean we've hardly been together for that long. But when you know, you know. And I'm 100% sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, but her reaction to my proposal was not what I was hoping for. It certainly was not the reaction that a person that wanted a proposal to happen would give.

A proposal. Did I just propose to her? Yes, yes I did. I did and I got turned down in the worst way possible. No, wait, it could have got worse, she could have actually laughed in my face. Instead I just got a no. But she hasn't actually spoken yet so that could change still.

I have to tell myself to stop overthinking or tell myself that she could have a perfectly reasonable explanation, but I can't actually switch my brain out of overdrive. This is why I write, because my brain can't handle holding things in and so everything spills out. Maybe asking her to marry me was something that I should have let stay in or only spill out in the confusing tone of song where the words don't match and no one can quite understand what I mean. Maybe that would have been better. Turning my ridiculous admiration for this girl into a cheesy pop song. If only I had a watch that could turn back time so that I could rewind this mistake.

"I'm sorry Dan." Her voice shocks me; I wasn't expecting her to speak after so long. I thought she was waiting for me to start this dreaded conversation. "I don't know what more to say." I look at her in the eyes and notice the tears forming in her eyes. I don't want her to cry though, not my Chloe, she doesn't deserve to cry.

"You've nothing to be sorry for." I reply with an awful attempt at a smile, but it comes out so weak that I'm aware it looks more painful than anything. "I understand." I swallow hard, trying to keep my own hurt feelings bottled up inside.

"No.. No you don't." She grasps my hand suddenly and my heart feels warm from her touch. "It's not like what you think at all. I know you and I know how your brain is working right now, you don't have to say anything and I know exactly what you're thinking and feeling."

"Well.. Why then? I thought we're in a good place and.."

"Yes! Yes we are in a good place. We're in a flipping amazing place actually." She squeezes my hand to try and give me some reassurance. "So why would we push our luck and endanger it?"

"Endanger it?" I frown at her words. What, does she think that marrying me is going to break us?

"You're not understanding what I'm trying to say Dan." She sighs and takes my other hand. "Don't be too sensitive, I can see you're getting angry now."

"Sensitive?" I splutter. "Chloe, you just turned down my proposal, I'm feeling a little bit upset and confused at the moment and I have every right to feel that way." I turn my head before she makes me cry.

"Yeah but you haven't even given me a chance to explain why I've just said no! Now listen." She orders as she grabs my face gently and turns it back to face her. "I love you, you know that. But that doesn't mean that we have to jump into something as major as marriage. I've always wanted to be with you, and that's only just happened. Now why do we need to rush to the next step?" She pauses and I ponder her reasoning. Perhaps she is right; perhaps I am rushing into this. I just thought that ten years into our relationship and I've never been so sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I had hoped that she felt the same and would agree with me. "Dan?"

"I'm just not sure what to say now." I shrug. "I wanted to show you how dedicated I am to you, that this is it for me and I love you."

"I know that and I feel the same, but dedication to each other isn't necessarily shown through marriage. Not right now at least, I'm just not ready for that."

"Okay." I nod.

"Now give me a hug." She wraps her arms around my neck and draws me closer to her. I wrap my own arms around her body and rest my cheek on the top of her head, feeling completely comfortable with her even after our slightly awkward moment just now. "Love you."

"Love you too." I sigh, tightening my grip on her and never wanting to lose her.