Sanctuary (A Dan Smith/ Bastille fanfic)

51. Dan

"It would be really great if you could say something now." I finally add after what feels like hours of silence. The tension is thick between us and I feel tense as I wait for Chloe to respond to what I have just blurted out.

I didn't come here to tell her that, hell I hardly confirmed it myself until earlier on today. I think it was after mine and Eloise's conversation where I so stupidly mentioned marriage that I realised that it wasn't Eloise that I pictured walking down the aisle towards me; it was Chloe's. I knew I had to break up with Eloise but I felt like speaking to Chloe would help me put my feelings to rest so that I wouldn't have these foolish thoughts running through my mind. But somehow this conversation has taken a rather unorthodox turn and led to me spilling out my feelings to her. I know that I've put her on the spot but I need to know where to go from here and if there's any chance of us finally happening, four years after it should have happened.

"What do I reply to that?" Chloe splutters out, the shock of my admission still set in her eyes.

"I mean, even a thank you will do." Not the time for jokes Dan, not the time for jokes at all. "Sorry, that was awful. I'm going to go now and just forget we had this conversation please." I stand up, prepared to go when she grabs hold of my wrist again. If she's going to let me down I might as well leave. I can't stand hearing that she doesn't feel the same way as me. "Please Chloe, I need to leave now."

"But you just told me that you weren't going to leave again. Just sit down so I can process what you've just told me." I oblige by sitting back down on the bed, feeling like I would rather have the ground swallow me up whole rather than having this conversation. "I don't know what to say Dan."

"Well if the obvious doesn't jump out at you then there's really nothing you can say." I daren't look at her properly or else I'll be able to see the look which confirms that she could never love me again.

"The obvious thing is staring at me right in the face but I know that it's wrong Dan. I can't shake the feeling that you will reject me again." My mistakes from the past stab me in the chest as she tells me what I already knew; that I fucked up too badly for her to forgive me. "I've had this anger for years and I thought that I had lost that love for you. I can't just switch it on and go back to being that close with you, but at the same time I can't switch it off and deny the feelings that I've tried to bury into the past."

"Then let me help you remember why you loved me before." I finally turn around to look at her and I feel like I'm begging for her to love me. I feel that way because that is exactly what is happening right now. I'm begging for her love and forgiveness. "I'm not that immature idiot that I was when I left you; I've realised what I want."

"But Dan, you haven't actually acted on it. You say you know what you want but you still have a girlfriend sleeping next door, totally unaware that you're pouring your heart out to another girl. It's cruel and you can't do this to her."

"I'll go over there and end it right this second if you tell me that there's even a slither of hope between us two." I sound desperate now but I don't care, the impulsive side of me just wants Chloe and nothing else. It's a side of me that's made me make some questionable decisions before in my life, but I can't help it that suddenly I can see things clearly and that I was always in love with her no matter how many times I tried to make myself believe otherwise.

"So if I don't tell you that I want you then you'll keep on living your lie with her? That's not a good enough deal for me Dan." I'm losing her. I can feel her slipping out of my fingers and I'll never be able to put the pieces of her that I have broken back together again. I have broken her and she will not let me fix her.

"I'm being totally irrational and crazy, I know that more than anyone, and I never expected to come over here and tell you this but I know it now, I know that it's you and it always has been." She needs to let me make it up to her and realise my love for her. Fuck, how have I not seen it for so long? I'm in love with her and I always have been.

"Please, this isn't fair. You can't expect me to suddenly turn around and say 'I love you' and we live happily ever after. You need to prove this to me if I'm ever going to be able to trust you again." The slight glimmer of hope that she displays makes my head jolt up and my heart race faster. I'm usually a total pessimist but I can't help but feel optimistic at her words.

"What can I do to prove it to you? I promise, I'll do anything." I know I look desperate, but she makes me desperate for her.

"Don't make promises that you can't keep Dan, that's the first thing." I nod eagerly as I try to forget the promises that I have already broken to Eloise that I made just a few hours ago. "And the second thing is give me some space to work out what I want and what I don't want. At the moment you've overwhelmed me with this information and I can't just snap back into being close to you again. I need to take some time to think this over."

"Okay." I agree to her terms and my mind is racing with the occurrences of tonight. I have begged both of these women to give me another chance and love me, and I've changed my mind more today than I ever have in my life. I hate the fact that I'm hurting everyone around me but when I'm so confused about my own feelings, I can't really help it. I'm being selfish by playing with their feelings but I can't help it.

"What happens now then?" Chloe brings me from my thoughts about the destruction I have caused and looks at me with wide eyes. "I mean, do you still have a fiancé?"

"Christ no. As soon as she said that she would marry me I knew that's not what I wanted. I've messed up but I want to put some things to rest and work this out. So whatever happens now is up to you Chloe."

"Okay." She breaths in and out slowly as she ponders about her next move. "I mean what I said, if there is any chance of anything happening between us I need some time and space to see if I will actually be able to forgive you and we can move on from this." I nod at her, showing that I understand that persuading her to forgive me is never going to be easy. "But after saying that, I know that I love you too and I don't want to hate you anymore." My heart skips a beat after hearing those words come from her lips. Then all I can think about is her lips on mine.

Like our thoughts are connected she leans into me as I lean into her. When our lips collide it's like something out of one of those horrendous rom-coms where music plays and fireworks go off in the background. Cheesy, but true.

Thoughts of Eloise rush out of my head as my need for Chloe rises and my mind is consumed by her. "I love you." I repeat, whispering the words gently in her mouth. It doesn't bother me that she doesn't repeat the words back to me, because when she deepens the kiss and pulls me on top of her, I know that she means it too.