Sanctuary (A Dan Smith/ Bastille fanfic)

58. Dan

Three weeks.

It's been three weeks since I've seen Chloe.

I would have thought that the fact that I've spent four years apart from her in the past would make it easier now, but it hasn't at all. In fact, it's had the opposite effect. Because now I know that after four years apart, my heart still beats just as quickly each time I see that beautiful face of hers, each time I hear her laughter, each time we touch.

I can't blame her though; it's me that's made countless mistakes. I'm a total failure. I can't help but hurt her. So I need to let her leave to get away from me, to escape from the destruction that I cause, picking up everyone around me like a tornado and throwing them back out again. In my sick, twisted mind, I'm ecstatic that I've seen her again, even if it has meant that she's got caught up in my shit storm. But that's because I'm selfish and all I care about is my feelings and how I look in situations. That much is blatantly clear from the past few weeks.

How stupid could I be? How fucking idiotic of me? I need her in my life to make me a better person. In the short time we spent as friends she changed my life so dramatically, so why when she gives me a chance at showing her how grateful I am do I throw it back into her face? Oh yeah, because I'm some sort of useless waste of space who can't do anything right in life.

My finger traces the steering wheel of my car as I contemplate my next move. I look to the house across the street from where my car is parked and imagine how I will damage her even more if I enter. I need to do it though, I need to see her again, and my selfishness becomes prominent once again as my hand reaches over to the car door handle.

I stop in my tracks as she walks out of the door dragging a suitcase behind her. Chris follows with a box in his hand and helps her put the luggage in a car that is filled to the top with her belongings. I didn't even know she drove. Fuck, that's how much I know about her. Maybe it is best that I stay away? I don't even know simple facts about her now like that she drives? Perhaps she's a completely different girl to the one that I know so well?

I slide down in my seat so that she can't see me but I can see her through my sunglasses. I watch her as she speaks to Chris. Her face isn't sad like mine, she's happy, with a large hopeful smile and a relieved look on her face. Relieved. That's how she feels that I'm not in her life. I've been dying a slow and painful death replaying the moment in my mind where she realised that I was lying to her, whereas she is happy at the concept of moving far away from me. It's like we're in that same place that we were all those years ago, one of us is about to leave and we're about to be separated from one another. I can't let her leave. Not without telling her.

My fingers pull the door handle before my brain gets a chance to catch up on this idiotic idea. Before I know it, I'm out of the car and my legs are taking me to her.

She lets out a small whimper and looks to the sky when she sees me, as if looking away will change the fact that I'm here. She doesn't want me here, her crossed arms and now frustrated expression tells me that much. I shouldn't have come, shit I shouldn't have come. I spin around and my pace quickens as I begin to return to my car in a completely cowardly act.

"Dan." She speaks and I immediately freeze at the sound of her voice.

"I shouldn't be here." I sigh, not turning around because I can't bear to see that sad face that I have just caused. Before she knew I was here she was happy, now she's sad, that's something that I need to remember. I need to consider the fact that I don't make her feel the same way that she makes me feel.

"I'm glad you're here." What? She wants me here? I turn around finally get eye contact with her. Even that is sending heat through my body; she doesn't even need to touch me to have that effect on me.