Scars of the Past ✓

// Chapter 19 //

Proud

Sa mga nagdaang araw ay para akong naging manika na may kusang nanggagalaw para ako'y mag-aral.

Sa mga unang araw, hindi ako sanay ng walang phone. I will just always cry myself out inside my room thinking why my life's like this. Bakit ko pa naging Nanay si Mama. Palagi kong iniisip kung bakit hindi ako kasing talino at kasing sipag ng iba para maipagmalaki ng mga magulang nila. Never ko pang nakitang proud sa akin si Mama. Kahit kailan.

I won't deny that I was a consistent honor noong elementary ako. Hindi ako kailan man nawala sa honor at palaging may awards every year. I always aced our quizzes and exams. At palagi akong sumasali sa mga contest, inside or outside ng school. Extracurricular activities is where I always depended my school life with. Hinding-hindi ako mawawala sa mga paligsahan noon dahil alam kong dagdag grades iyon.

But my activeness on school slowly crushed down when I suddenly noticed that Mama doesn't even looked like she was ever proud of me. Kahit consistent honor ako palagi. Everyone around me always praised me because of my wit throughout the years in my elementary days but even a simple greetings for my Mama was nowhere to be heard. She never attended any of our recognition day. Palaging teacher ko lang ang nagsasabit ng medalya sa akin at kasama sa mga litrato.

And that's when I lost my will to be much better at school when I went to junior highschool. I suddenly felt unmotivated and lifeless for school activities and classes.

She was never like this when Papa's still alive. Everyday after he died, I can always hear her sobbing inside her room, talking to herself what did she do to make her life this miserable. She was in deep pain and sorrow on how my father's life went to. And I also felt bad for it.

Hindi ko iniimik si Mama at gano'n din siya sa akin. She was never sorry towards me. To think that she was even blabbering about my grades over and over again everytime we are in the dining. Kahit nandito sa amin si Tito Raphael ay iyon ang bukambibig niya. Mama should have just keep it between us. Tutal ayaw niya namang malaman na bagsak ako diba?

I was surprisingly became a really grade conscious at school. Tuwing lunch, niyayaya ko sina Acer sa Library para mag-aral. They found it weird, though. But I just shrugged it off whenever they asked about it.

They tried telling me that I can open up on them but I kindly refused. There's no need of that. Kaya ko ang sarili ko. My problem is just shallow, hindi naman ako mamamatay doon. Masakit pero kakayanin.

"It just surprised us that you're taking your studies too seriously now, Adi," panimula ni Acer habang nakatingin sa notes niya.

Nandito kami ulit ngayon sa library at nagbabasa. May quiz kasi kami mamaya sa Math at ayaw kong bumagsak. Ayaw ko na ring umasa sa mga sagot ni Acer.

That's the least of what I wanted to do this quarter now.

Umiling na lang ako at ngumiti. "Let's just study."

Tumingin sa akin ang dalawa. Si Cads naman ay ipinatong ang isang siko sa lamesa at pinakatitigan ako.

"Ano bang nangyari sa'yo? Bakit bigla kang naging ganyan?"

Sinulyapan ko siya pero ibinalik din sa notebook ang tingin. Kumunot ang noo ko. "Huh? Wala namang nangyari sa akin?"

I flipped a page of my notebook and tried to analyze how each of the equations were solved. May sinulat naman akong guidelines kaya mas madali ko itong naintindihan.

I was more organized with my notes now. Even my penmanship changed. It became neat than the usual. Mas naging creative na rin ako when taking notes.