Random encounters

8. Drowning

Unedited

The house was full, I had to talk to the police and answer questions about my baby. I had to explain the mistakes I made that I thought could help me feel less guilty. Thabile didn't write the test, she's still traumatized and going counseling. One more thing for me to feel guilty about. Thiko drinks, a lot and thats okay. We deal with pain differently. I shut everyone out and lock myself up for days, because I can't stand being looked at with pity.

My door opens, it's my mother. She's the only one who can stand me like this.
"Wanga, you need to eat" she says
I am not going to leave this room and face Thiko, not like this.
She removes the covers and folds her arms.
"I'm not going to force you to leave that bed, but you are going to do it now." She sits on the bed
"When I lost your father, I felt like I had a deep hole in my heart. Whenever a thought crossed my mind of him, I'd feel my soul being sucked in that hole. I couldn't breath my chest would hurt like hell. I know you don't feel the same way..." she exhales
"This time it happened, I was with you and I couldn't stand it so I fell down, my chest burning, body shaking and I felt like I was going to die. I screamed of agony, intense pain and then I realized I was crying, because it hurt like hell." I look at her and swallow.
"That's grieving, the thing about pain is that it demands to be felt. The sooner you do, the less it will consume you and your soul. I've seen a lot of dead souls, you'll know when it happens to you, but I don't want that..." I'm crying
I try to exhale because my heart is torn apart and I can feel it malfunction.
"It hurts" I cry
She takes me in her arms, allowing me to cry. This intense pain makes me feel like I will lose my mind, I feel like I'm going crazy each second I think about my little girl lying there lifeless. I knew the moment I held her that she was gone, I knew. But the reality of it all being true, terrified me. That's why I had to clean up her blood.
"Does it ever stop hurting this much?" I want to know if it's worth this much pain, should I just kill myself and rest.
"No, it doesn't" she says
"You just learn to live with the pain, grow stronger each day that passes. But it never stops hurting" her voice cracked up when she was saying that
I know this hurts her as much, I know Thiko is hurting too. I just don't know how to be with him and not feel like it's about me. It's selfish I know, but I can't compare my pain to his. All I know is that I'm hurting and I need to be alone.
"I don't want to see anyone" I say
"Anyone or Thiko?" She asks
Both, but mostly him. I can't say that aloud.
"He's hurting too, he needs you Wanga. Please stop shutting him out, you don't say anything or even look at him. That's not fair baby" she let's me go
"Nwananga, ndi khou to ni humbela..."
"Mma, ndi nga si kone. Zwine vha khou toda zwone ndi zwihulwane kha nne..." I say
"Ahuna hezwo, do it for me" she beg

I've never let my mother down, turned her down or hurt her on purpose. So I will do this for her...after all it's been two months. I can't lock myself up forever.
I take a shower first, head to the kitchen to eat. I must be furnished first before having a conversation with Thiko. My mom have a plate of pap and steak, vors and veggies already served for me. There's a glass of juice beside it.
"Where are you going?" I ask her
"You are not having a conversation with me right? So I must excuse you two" she leaves my presence
What does she mean by you two?
"Hi" he says standing beside me
I swallow. I thought I'd eat first.
"Hi" I respond without looking at him
Why is he sitting beside me,  I thought it was only proper for him to sit in front of me.
He exhales.
"I don't know if this will be any different than me just talking to myself but...I don't know what to do or say anymore." He stops
"I lost too, I'm hurting too. Nkhumbuleni was my little girl and I deserved at least a hug from my fiancee.  I wanted you to cry in my arms, not alone. Please let me be there for you my love" he tries to hold my hand but I move it
"She was alone, all alone. She bleed to death, in that house all alone..." I start to cry
"Wanga..."
"Where was i, where were you Thiko?"I look at him but he looks down
"I know where I was, I was with my ex. I blame myself for standing there instead of being with my daughter. I would have saved her, I would've protected her but instead I was with my ex." I cry
"Where were you?" I ask again
"I was on my way home from work" He's not looking at me anymore.
"Maybe you should be alone" he says getting up
He doesn't wait for my response but leave me.