Random encounters

30. Let's live

Unedited

I've been up for 2 hours cleaning the house, I'm even shifting things and cleaning after myself. Denzhe woke me up, I made her pancakes, after eating she fell asleep on the couch.
I needed this time to think, about how my life changed by coming home. To know that this is something that has been happening behind my back for years and I didn't even suspect anything. Maybe it's because I see my mom as a definition of perfection, I wanted to be like her in a relationship. She loved my father at his worst days and always picked him up when he gave up on life. Little did I know she was the reason he was like that. Or maybe, just maybe I didn't pay attention to my father that much. That is why I turned a blind eye to his suffering. I saw him as distant, sad and always seeing the worst in life. He would sit with me, be silent for minutes almost like he dozed off from life. When I would call him however, he'd look at me with a sad smile. My dad was a hardworking man, he was a work in progress but somewhere somehow he stopped or should I say, he gave up. Not only on himself but life, there were days were he didn't want to leave the bed, what was the use when you had nothing to live for? There were days he didn't want to go to sleep also, if your existence is the same either in the morning or dawn then I didn't blame him. But I didn't pay attention that all this time he was suffering, obviously he couldn't tell me because deep down I know he loved me too much to make me go through it at my age. There were times I wish my dad could go back to his old self, days I'd pray for my dad's smile to return but when it didn't change, I resented him for not making the effort. I felt angry that he was so comfortable with not being in contact with the real world that he did nothing to change it.
"Why are you up so early?" That's my mom
I have mixed feelings about her, I don't know if I'm angry at her or hate her at this point. Thinking of all she put my father through, acting like a Saint to me all this time. Like she was the one who settled, when it was the other way around.
"Wanga, please talk to me. You can't keep quiet forever..." she says
"I can." I look at her
"I'm sorry for not telling you the truth all this time, I hope you do forgive me..." she says then looks down
"You remember when dad tried killing himself, overdosed?" I ask
She nods still facing down
"I came to you running, petrified and we had to take him to the hospital. When we were left alone in the ward, he held my hand and cried. Saying he's sorry...I felt so happy that he said those words to me that I ran and told you. Then you said, I should forgive him..." my tears are betraying me
"I did forgive him. But I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for resenting my father when I should've been resenting you all that time." My voice breaks
"Wanga...don't say that." She's in tears too
"He knew how disappointed I was in him, even though I never said it. He knew I saw him as a hero, then a fall from grace. He was right to apologize for that, but you had no right to even say anything about it. Because after that, I lived with my father embracing him and all his flaws. I should have done that a long time ago, maybe he wouldn't have suffered alone." I explain
My mom is now crying. With her hand on her mouth.
"And for what is worth, I only have one father and I know him myself. So you can tell your lover, I know about him and I don't even want him close to me or this house." I smile
"You couldn't even respect him when he's gone, you brought another man and slept with him in his bed? Not only that but your lover. No wonder why things went left for me, my father's spirit haven't rested. How could it when you are busy with calamitous ways." I say
She's just crying not looking at me or saying anything. I have said enough so I'll excuse myself.

I walk to my bedroom and lie on the bed. I don't have Candy or Thabile to talk to, I can't tell Lufuno or Tebogo this...it's not fair in many ways.
"Hey..." he answers in a second
I wasn't expecting him to answer nor did I expect myself to dial his numbers.
"Are you okay?" He asks
I don't know what to say or why I called, it's not like I expect him to understand what I'm going through or even do anything.
"Wanga, why are you crying?" He asks again
"I'm so sorry for being a mess, I'm so sorry for always walking out on you. I'm so sorry..." I cry
"Is that why you're crying?" He asks
"No, I just miss you and I'm going through something that I wish you were here with me. Now I'm just mad at myself for everything..." I explain
He's quiet, too quiet.
"I'm miss you too." He answers calmly
Now I'm the one crying.
"I've been chasing you for a long time, you never even noticed. I have waited for you, I only just got you and I lost you." He stops
"I'm still here Luke and I want to be with you, it's just that I want to fix my life first before I allow to try and fix me. I'm not expecting you to run after me or wait anymore. I'm just asking you to believe in us. Just a little." I say
"I can do that..." he says
"That's enough. I have to go now..."
he cuts me "Why are you crying?"
"I just learned that my father is not my biological father, but my father's cousin." I say
"I'm so sorry to hear that" he answers
"You don't sound okay yourself..." I note
"I just learned that Ellie is carrying my child..." Luke
I laugh, is he trying to be funny?
"I thought we knew that." I say
"I did a prenatal paternity test, I just wanted to be sure." He says