Through The Eyes Of

I Watched a Part of Him Die

Duff

Every day that went by seemed to be a blur. It's like, I'm here but I'm not. I'm a million miles away in my own world. I'm as distant and detached as Izzy. I'm numb without the aid of drugs. Curly Sue is putting on a brave face and trying to forget. Yet I know by his drinking that it's just an act for me. I saw his eyes that night in that limo. I watched a part of him die. And a larger part of me died from having to watch him than it happening to me.

We're intimate still. We need to remind ourselves that what we have is real. We need to comfort one another. However, it's not like it was before. It was loving and passionate. It was just different now in a way I couldn't place a finger on it. But there was also this sort of silence between us now. We just don't want to talk about it and relive it. Sometimes we even flinch if we don't see the touch coming. And when I look at him I see shame. I'm sure he has to see the same when he looks at me. I know he needs something from me I'm not giving him, and I need something I'm not getting. But I have no fucking clue what. We don't need talking. We don't need sex. We just need love. But our own inebriated lifestyles made shit take a back seat.

His new guitar and my bass only further reminded us what we went through to get them. I catch him all the time just stop playing it in his lap and just zone out staring at it. And when I play that fucking bass i see the broken look on his face that night. I had the urge to smash it at leather a dozen times a fucking day. But I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to have to "earn" a new one.

I need the mornings we awoke in one another's arms, but the second we were awake we each rolled in separate directions to reach for our separate bottles. This was the only breakfast we had anymore. I guess we maintained drunk all the time, hard to say. The band hasn't said anything. But they might just let it slides because of what we did for this band.

Even Axl has been super nice lately. Not sure if it's the valium he started taking like candy or if he's just trying to cut everyone a break. I wanted to blame everything on him. I wanted to hate him. However, I just couldn't. is it sick that I can find myself justifying his actions? But then he had been there too. I'm sure no one understood better than Axl how we felt. He had been truly raped at a time when he couldn't even understand. I don't think he expected me to get raped that night. He knew what that was like, he wouldn't do that. I had become closer to him since finding all that out. I wasn't even mad about him fucking my Curly Sue. I know it wasn't because he wanted it. I can even see his regret for doing it to Izzy.

And Izzy too knew firsthand what we had been through. I know he never told Axl. He says it's because Axl would go ballistic. But really I think Izzy just can't bear to see the pain in his eyes like I see in Slash's. I can tell all these recent events has Izzy using more again. I can see the sedated eyes and slowed movements. But no one says anything about that either.

Guess none of us were saying a he'll of a lot. What the Fuck could we say? So we self medicated our pains, guilt, and remorse. A fifth of whiskey here, a liter of vodka there, a hand full of pills, or the intervenious pain killer of all painkillers. We were all in a real dark place. I didn't know if we would come back from it. For now it didn't interfere with the band, but eventually it would. There's no getting out of it. I had already lived it with one of my band's back in Seattle. It was only a matter of time before we become a ticking timebomb.

I didn't know what the Fuck to do. I love Slash and I want to fix him. But how can I when the same damage is done in me too? We need one another to get through this, to endure, survive, and make our love stronger. But I don't know what to do. I would give anything to make this all go away. Just rewind to when Slash was still my little green undergrad. Before this was all a dream we shared that somehow turned into a nightmare.