Through The Eyes Of

Pain in my A**!

Izzy

After fucking fighting with Axl I took a long, quiet shower. After a day like today why couldn't he just let me have my fucking fix and be quiet about it? Why does he have to pick today to ride me about that shit? I'm filthy, I'm tired, I'm sunburned and I fucking want Axl to shut the fuck up and let me get high in peace. Ok, rant over. I lean against the wall and let the hot water spray down over me and close my eyes, finally enjoying the quiet that comes with being alone. Axl would be the one person that I would think would understand that I need to be alone sometimes just to think and process things and fucking mentally prepare myself to be around other people.

I've always been introverted for the most part. Drinking and doing smack relaxed me enough to be able to socialize most of the time; otherwise being around a bunch of people made me nervous and fucking annoyed. Axl was usually the only person I could stomach being around 24 hours a day but on days like today I even want him to leave me the hell alone. I am not up for his fucking dictator lectures today. I know he's just worried about me but I can't deal with that shit right now. Right now I just want to stand in here and be left alone.

I get left in peace for about 30 minutes and then Axl tries to open the bathroom door so he can come in and bug me some more. I knew he would try and come in here and bug me after he had some time to think so I locked the fucking door and he knew I was going to lock him out; but he also knows that I don't want to hear him standing outside and pounding on the fucking door and yelling into the bathroom so I'll hurry up and come out. "Izzy!" he yells. "You alright in there?"

"I'm fine Axl, I'll be out in a little while, chill the fuck out man!" I holler back at the locked door.

"What the fuck are you doing in there?" he asks.

"Being fucking alone in the quiet now shut up!" I snarl.

"God damnit Izzy you don't have to be such a pissy fucker! Fucking stay in there all night for all I fucking care!" Axl fires back at me and then kicks the door for good measure. I finally grab the shampoo and wash my hair and then lather myself up with soap and clean the grease and sweat off of my body. That's so much fucking better. I get out and comb my hair and brush my teeth and then stand next to the window and light a cigarette. I can see the cars driving by on the highway from here and the noise is kind of soothing. I just stand there for a while and blow smoke out the window and let the night air run over me. It's still hot but not as bad as it was earlier. Guess I'm going to have to face my little red-headed tornado now. I take a deep breath and toss my cigarette out onto the sandy ground behind the building and close the window.

When I open the door Axl's laying on the bed we were sprawled out on earlier only he's under the covers now, the cheap nylon bedspread and bleached white sheets covering him from the waist down. I grab some lotion off of the sink and walk out and sit down beside him and he glances up at me then turns his eyes back to the television. "C'mere," I murmur and pull his arm towards me.

"No, you're being an asshole, I don't want to come over there," he says and pulls his arm away from me.

"Just come over here and let me put some lotion on your face, it's all burnt and I know it hurts. You've been a prick all evening too now knock it off and come over here, I don't want to argue with you anymore," I tell him and this time he lets me pull his upper body over into my arms. I look down into those angry, green, eyes and stroke the hair back out of his face.

"Izzy why do you have to be such a pain in the ass sometimes?" he asks. "You know I worry about you getting sick on that shit or accidentally fucking offing yourself with it. You know it so why do you fight me so fucking hard about it?"

I sigh and pull him closer to me and further into my chest and I kiss the top of his head. "Axl, I just can't always deal with shit the way you can; you can deal with your demons, I just don't want to fucking deal with mine all the time. I'm just so fucking tired of the way I feel inside sometimes and I don't want to feel it anymore so I numb it out! I know you don't like it but Axl; I just can't always handle shit as me without something in my system to shut my fucking brain up you know? I know you get it, you're not that different from me, it's just that you get angry and let it all out but I suck it all in and sometimes, most of the time, it's just too fucking much for me, ok? Please Axe, just let it be for a while alright?" I beg him and softly cup his face in my right hand and kiss his pretty mouth. He doesn't pull away, he doesn't kiss back right away, but he doesn't pull away. Finally he sighs and gives in and returns my kiss sweetly; relaxing and brushing my dripping hair back out of my face and behind my ear.