Through The Eyes Of

Meditation

Axl

This is it. Today is finally the fucking day. Today we sign a record deal. Everyone is so fucking excited and running around trying to get ready. Duff is having some sort of panic attack. He says booze would fix it but there was no fucking way anyone was showing up to sign the contract blasted. We were lucky to even be signed considering how fucking trashed we all were the night we met David Geffen. Slash too is begging for booze to help with his shaking. Izzy tries to tell him it won't help as he wipes a layer of sweat from his forehead. He's staying straight until after the contracts are signed. He's not sick yet, but he would be by night fall. Steven is fluffing his hair. And me, I'm shaving in a compact mirror with nothing but a cup of water. I smile and think of how great it's gonna be to be able to buy shaving cream...and a real mirror.

I just can't stop smiling. At the same time I'm so nervous I have bubble guts. I'm sure we all do. This shit is too good to be true. We actually got a record deal without having to get fucked for it. Oh shit I hope this doesn't mean I'm indebted to fucking Nikki Sixx. I really don't care much for the guy. He's a bad influence on my band and they all seem to love him. Especially Slash.

I wipe the loose stubble from my face with someone's dirty shirt. Then I start to look for my contacts. I can't see shit hardly without the fuckers. I certainly have to be able to see the line where I sign my damn name. So I scrounge around in my immediate area looking for them.

"Any of you guys seen my contacts?" I ask but I don't think any of them heard me. They are all so preoccupied by their own appearances. We must look like a bunch of fucking chicks on prom night. I move over to the window seal and move aside beer bottles looking.

"Slash you can't wear a shirt that says fuck on it," Duff says as he seems to be breathing strangely.

"Why the fuck not?" He mutters as he works his belt through his loops.

"Doubt they give a fuck," Izzy says with a cigarette dangling from his lips as he buttons his shirt.

"Yeah, they bought us booze and we aren't even 21," Steven adds still fluffing his hair like he's in a hair metal band.

"Izz you seen my contacts?" I ask him.

He looks up at me and shakes his head and pulls on a vest.

I move over to the amps and start moving aside more bottles and shit like empty Doritos bags and empty folds of wax paper and plastic lemons. Fuck me when did Izzy just start leaving this shit out in the open? Maybe it was Steven or Slash.

"Dude are those my pants?" Slash asks Steven.

He shrugs and nods, "All my shit was dirty."

"Breathe through your nose Duff," I hear Izzy say as he hands him a pint of Vodka despite my demands of sobriety.

"I thought we all agreed to do this sober," I cut my eyes over at Izzy.

"You want him to fall out?" Izzy quickly glares right back at me. Duff hesitates but uncaps the bottle and takes a huge gulp.

I sigh and start in on the other window seal. "Has anybody seen my fucking contacts?"

"No man," Slash answers and drops eye drops into his eyes. He then hands them to Duff who does the same.

I search every goddamn square inch of this shit hole, and believe me, there aren't that many square fucking inches, nothing. Where the fuck are my goddamn contacts? So I go over the place again. I move shit. I look under shit. Fucking nothing.

"I can't go without my stupid contacts," but again they are too preoccupied to listen to me. I start to get really fucking mad as I keep looking. I even look in Steven's fucking drums. I run a hand through the bass drum and something pricks my finger. I pull it back to find a fucking hypodermic dangling from my finger. Fucking junkies. I sling it from my finger and kick over the bass drum.

"Hey man what the fuck?" Steven asks. I hurl a bottle at him and he ducks and it smashes into the wall behind him.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Slash questions me.

I pick up another bottle and chunk it at him. He just looks at me like I'm crazy. Duff, without a word just goes outside and starts to pace in the alley. My eyes fall on Izzy. He just looks at me expressionlessly as he drags off his cigarette.

"Its your fucking fault!" I yell and hurl a bottle at him.

Izzy throws down his cigarette, grabs a bottle, and hurls it at me. It hits my arm the falls to the floor and shatters. My eyes meet with Izzy's. He's giving me that look he get just before he starts bringing up god and shit.

"Fuck this," I hiss and storm out the door.

"Axl, where you going?" Duff calls out to me but I don't answer.

I march down the street and round the corner. I stop and pace back and forth not knowing what to do. We were supposed to sign a fucking contract like in an hour. I'm so worked up I just want to say fuck it. All the bullshit. All the sexual favors. All of it came down to this. Now something as simple as contacts and drug habits was ruining this day. FUCK!

I put my hands on my hips and look up. I see the Whiskey. I then find myself climbing a fire escape and going up on the roof. I plop down and draw my knees to my chest. I break out into tears and don't even know why. I need to calm down. Maybe I can try that meditating shit. So I cross my legs and rest my wrists at my knee caps.

I try to clear my mind, but it's fucking impossible. But a memory does come to me. A memory of corn tassels blowing in the hot breeze. Me on my back looking up at the stars. Izzy flat on his back next to me doing the same. Times were so simple then. When I was with Izzy everything bad just melted away.

"Hey Axl, what the fuck are you doing up there?" Slash calls out. "I found your contacts, they were in your pants."

"Come on down man, lets go," He waves for me. But I just can't fucking move.

Then I see Izzy standing there squinting in the sun as he looks up at me. I can almost hear his sigh from up here. He says something to Slash and takes my contacts from his hands. Slash turns and leaves shaking his head. Then Izzy climbs up onto the roof with me.

He plops down next to me. He extends my contacts over to me. "Nervous?" He asks.

I just snatch my contacts from his hand.

"This is it darlin...nothing can stop us today," he says softly.

I unscrew the cap to one of my contacts. I tilt my head back and blink it into place. I do the same with the other.

"You know we can't do it without you Axe. So what do you say we get down off the roof before cops come and maybe we'll make it downtown on time, huh?"

"I'm scared," I almost whisper.

Izzy pulls Valium from his pocket and gives me three. "You need them, take them," he pushes them at me.

"I dont want to get high," I shake my head.

"Its not getting high when a doctor prescribes them to you Axe, fucking take them," he urges.

I shake my head no.

"Don't make me shove them up your ass, my patience isn't at it's best right now," he warns.

"Fine," I sigh and take them. "Happy?"

"No, I'll be happy when you get your ass in the car so we can fucking go," he sighs.

I nod with a big sigh. "Ok, lets go."