Through The Eyes Of

I'm Sorry In The Worst Way

Duff

I was awakened by a stream of ranting curses coming from the living room. I could make it out to be Axl and Izzy but I couldn't hear what they were going on about this time. I didn't much care. I felt pan in every place on my entire body. I opened my eyes to a string of curls obstructing my view. My beautiful Curly Sue. My hand is in his and my pinki is numb. I flex my fingers and Slash instantly wakes up.

"Let me get your medicine, you must hurt like hell this morning," he quickly gets up pulling on a pair of sweats. He hesitates and looks at me, "Should I get Izzy?"

"I'll be alright," I weakly say. "Think he's preoccupied with Axl anyway."

"I thought I heard Axl," Slash sighs. "Hope he walked in on Izzy and Angela fucking. Be glad you were smacked out baby, they kept me up all night."

I attempt a weak smile but it fucking hurts too bad.

"I can't wait to give that son of a bitch a piece of my mind.."

"No," I utter, "don't get in a huge fight with him. It's my fault, not his," I shamefully blink away.

"You must still be fucking high babe cause I swear you just said this wasn't Axl's fault." He stares at me like I may have a concussion or a fever.

Before either of us can saw anything else there is a soft knock at our door. Slash reaches over and turns the knob. In the doorway we see Axl standing there with a look on his face I don't think I've ever seen in him.

"I know I'm probably the last motherfucker you want to see, but I need to talk to you Duff," he says looking down to his hands which he fumbles nervously.

"You really have some nerve you know that?" Slash glares at him.

"Slash, it's ok," I mumble, "Please get my pills."

Slash hesitates not trusting Axl or wanting me to leave him alone with him. But he leaves throwing daggers at Axl with his eyes. Axl steps aside for Slash then he enters the room and gently shuts the door. His head is dropped when he turns to face me. He can't even fucking look at me.

"I know exactly what you're feeling," he says softly.

"Oh I just bet," I huff.

His eyes focus at his hands as his eyebrow raises and he starts to speak, "Anger, guilt, dirty, alone, confused, questioning if maybe you would have done something differently it could have been changed?...But you're forever changed and nothing will ever take it away? And you want to blame yourself, like you allowed it to happen." His tone is so soft and deep.

My confusion sparks a curiosity as I look at him closely. How could he know that? There was only one way somebody could know something like that. "It happened to you too...didn't it?" I almost whisper.

He sighs and cautiously sits at the edge of the bed. He's silent a long moment as he reclines his elbows on his knees. "I've never told anybody but Izzy."

Wow. I would have never guessed such a thing could happen to Axl.

"I was raped by my biological father," he quietly continues, "I was just a fucking kid," his thoughts seem to drift off for a moment. I know he's reliving the memories of it. I know he can't fake a look like that. He was telling the truth. "I didn't even understand back then what was happening to me."

"I...I didn't know, I'm sorry." What else can I actually say to that.

"Don't be, it's not something I usually talk about. I don't want people looking at me differently, you know? But you need to know. We're band mates. We need to be like a family. And you have to understand how awful I feel for sending you off with that guy. He tried to put the moves on me too. And...and I knew he would do the same to you. But you gotta believe me Duff, I didn't know there would be two of them. I thought you'd be able to handle yourself, I mean you know how this business is. I couldn't risk sending myself or Izzy because he might have recognized us. Steven...fuck you can't trust him to ever do anything right. That left you and the kid...who would you have sent if you were me?"

"I asked Izzy once not to send Slash to meetings like that. I'm glad you chose me. I just hate how shit went down. I don't blame you Axl. I blame those guys," I say softly.

Axl looks at me and nods. "I'm sorry this happened Duff. And I know the kind of shit going on in your head. Anger, confusion, questioning, blame...yeah...I get that shit. Just promise me Duff that you won't blame yourself. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?"

I nod.

"And from now on we do these meetings as a band, ok? No more putting anyone in harm's way. We're in this shit together, right?"

"Yeah," I nod. But his words couldn't take it away. It couldn't change how bad I felt inside. I felt just as bad as when I fucked that slut and Slash saw it. I'm ashamed to even look at him.

"Slash loves you you know," Axl says seeming to read my mind, "he doesn't blame you at all. He blames me. And I get it, I do. I just hope you don't blame me too."

"It's cool Axe," I nod, "But I think Slash needs to know too. Maybe then he wouldn't be plotting ways to kill you."

Axl huffs with a slight laugh, "Maybe you could tell him. I'm really not up to announcing that shit in a band meeting. It was hard enough to tell you and Izzy."

"Sure," I nod understanding entirely how he felt. "It's weird, never thought you and I would have much in common."

"Living gives us all something in common," he gives me a weak smile. "I'm gonna split and let you rest up. Izzy and I are going to take a video of us to this manager named Vicki Hamilton. She's a chick so I think we should be fine."

"Good luck," I say as he turns to leave.

He nods, "Get better Duff," and he leaves.