Through The Eyes Of

Fang the Guardcat Part 1

Slash

I locked Duff out that night; he tried to come home and talk to me about a half hour after I left the party but I wouldn't talk to him; we just ended up in a shouting match and I told him to get out. He yelled that it was his apartment too so I told him that was fine; that I would leave. He looked at me with his mouth open; the expression on his face changing from surprise to hurt to anger and said "Fuck it and fuck you too! Or maybe I should send Izzy over to do that; I hear he thinks you've got a sweet little mouth why don't you use it to suck his dick? Or maybe you already have; you seemed pretty comfortable with Izzy's cum on your leg, maybe that's because you're already used to it being in your mouth! Is that what the fuck you two do all day while I'm gone? Are you here fucking all day? Are the two of you fooling around all the time and then laughing at me behind my back?

"What? Why would you even think something like that?" I ask, wondering if he saw Izzy kiss me tonight, but he couldn't have, he had his dick buried in some slut at the party while that was happening; he couldn't have seen it. But that comment about Izzy thinking I had a pretty mouth, I mean I know Izzy said that the night Duff and I hooked up when Izzy and I first met the night of our audition but I hadn't thought of it until Izzy said it to me tonight after he kissed me. Had it stuck with Duff all this time or had he seen or heard something tonight? "Is Axl rubbing off on you or some shit? First his crazy ass thinks there's something going on between us and now you? If I wanted Izzy wouldn't I just say I wanted Izzy and be done with it? Why would I bother to be with you at all if I didn't want to be?

What's wrong with you? You promised me that you wouldn't do anything tonight and then I try and find you because I want to leave with you so we can be alone because I'd rather just be with you than with anyone else; band party or no band party and I find you fucking some girl! Some girl that had hair like mine and eyes the same color as mine and you're doing it right out in the open; not even trying to hide it from me if I walked over to that side of the room! What the fuck? Why did you lie to me and tell me you wouldn't do some chick no matter what Axl wanted for the record company A&R people thought? Why not just tell me the truth? Why would you do that to me? Shit Duff you could have at least found me and said "Look, I know we said we wouldn't do this but there's this girl over there and she's hot and she wants me and it would get Axl off of our backs! At least you would have said something to my face and not let me just walk into it blind! You lied to me and lying makes it cheating and you knew I felt like sleeping with anyone, guy or a girl feels like cheating to me and you told me you felt the same way! You told me you loved me! If you loved me you wouldn't have done something you knew would hurt me so much! So stop trying to deflect shit from yourself by acting like you believe any of that shit Axl says about me and Izzy; if you believed it there's no way you would ever have let us be alone all day every day, there's nothing going on there and you know it!

But if you were going to get pussy tonight for "the sake of the band" then fuck it Duff, so was I! You lied to me and you fucked someone else; I don't have shit to say to you right now! You leave or I'm leaving; I don't fucking care which but I'm not staying here with you!"

He just looked at me and I could see his heart breaking in his eyes but I didn't care; he'd broken my heart like it was nothing. He didn't say anything; he just turned around and walked out, didn't even slam the door, just closed it quietly. I stared at the door for a few seconds then numbly went and took a shower. I don't really remember being in the shower, I just found myself standing in front of the mirror naked with wet hair and a towel in my hand. I brushed my teeth and ran a comb through my hair and smeared some gel in it and walked to the bedroom. Looking at Duff's empty side of the bed made my chest hurt; I haven't gone to bed without him since we moved into this apartment.

We don't always go to sleep at the same time but we do usually sit and watch TV or read or have sex or something in this room every night; I've never had to try and fall asleep alone in this room. I cross over to the dresser and pull out some boxers and put them on and then walk over and look through the very corner of the window where I can see out without having to move the blinds: Duff's truck is still in the parking lot not 25 feet away and he's laying across the seat with his head against the driver's side window. He didn't leave and go to a hotel, (not that we have any money,) he didn't walk over to Izzy's or Steven's or Del's; he's sleeping in his truck. I'm not sure why, he could have gone to any of our friend's apartments and slept on their couches. He's all scrunched up in the cab of the truck because he's so tall and he looks horribly uncomfortable and I take some satisfaction in that. Then I see his hand move up and swipe across his face and I realize he isn't sleeping, he's crying. The impulse to turn around and run out the front door and wrap my arms around him is so strong I have to grip the edge of the dresser to keep myself from doing it. Then I remember what he looked like doing that girl at the party and I crumble inside again. Jesus thinking about what he did physically hurts. What Izzy said about feeling like you were shot and the bullet went straight through and all you're left with is a bleeding, throbbing, hole is pretty accurate. I mean it wasn't like a chick hadn't ever fucked me over and hurt my feelings before but this was different; this was pain on an entirely different level than anything I had ever felt about anything anyone had ever done to me.