Through The Eyes Of

Painful Revalations

Izzy

I gotta say I'm fucking thrilled to be back in LA even if I am back to living with Axl in my piece of shit one-room apartment that's full of roaches. One of Duff's friends had driven us all the way back home from Seattle; yeah it was in a piece of shit car with no a/c but it was a ride and it saved us from having to walk down the side of the highway in the heat and hitch rides. I think she was hoping to hook up with Duff too but she was more than a little disappointed on that front. Duff only has eyes for our little Curly Sue.

It's pretty bad too; they're like totally head over fucking heels in love with each other or at least in lust. They've moved into a little one bedroom apartment around the corner and up a block from Duff's old apartment across the street from mine so at least they have a little more space. If they didn't have to go to work during the day I think they'd stay inside and fuck all day. But they at least show up on time for rehearsal. We're starting to get popular on the club scene and Curly Sue's playing is a huge part of that. Even Axl has had to give him credit for pulling in fans.

When we came back from Seattle the kid had sat down with me and learned all of our songs and Axl, Slash, Duff, and I have written quite a few since then as well. Slash changed the lead guitar part in "Don't Cry", a song Axl and I wrote together so that it kicks in on the second verse instead of right away and the audience loves it and fuck can that kid play! He's not a copycat shredder either; every other guitar player on the strip right now wants to imitate the Crue or Van Halen but not this kid. Slash's playing is more bluesy than that, he sounds more like Joe Perry or Keith Richards than Eddie Van Halen. He's got a real ear for those blues-rock riffs that Aerosmith seems to specialize in and he's every damn bit as good as those guys too; better maybe in a few years.

The only downside to coming back to Los Angeles for me has been having to lie to Axl about my smack intake. I swore I would cut down if not quit altogether when we got back from Seattle but honestly it's only gotten worse. I shoot up in the morning while Axl's in the shower and then I find an excuse to go out later so I can shoot up again. I'm hiding my works and my supply at Duff and Slash's apartment in the back of their toilet tank. Slash knows what I'm up to and he covers for me. I've been trying to use the tops of my feet and the insides of my thighs to shoot; I can keep socks on and Axl doesn't spend a whole lot of time staring at my thighs. I know Axl doesn't think I'm clean by any means but he does think I'm down to like one hit per day and not two or three or more if shit's getting out of control.

Axl just doesn't get it. Axl doesn't seem to understand that I just can't deal with myself sometimes. When you wake up and the depression is so bad that all you want to do is burst into tears as soon as your eyes open because you're still alive you'll do anything to get rid of that feeling. I can't even fucking tell you what I'm depressed over, I just am! Some days I fucking hate life! I hate every fucking thing about it and all I want to do is draw up a big fucking hit and be dead before I even emptied the needle but I don't because of Axl. Loving somebody else is supposed to be a beautiful fucking thing but sometimes it's a raw deal; when you love someone, really love them, you put their needs ahead of yours so in my case I put Axl first. Axl needs me to stay sane, to stay alive, to be a rock star, and just to be there and love him so I can't just up and fucking leave this world; even when my whole body literally throbs with so much pain that I'd do just about anything to make it stop. I don't know what happened since we got back from the Seattle trip but my emotions have taken a nose dive. Axl isn't really helping either; he's prickly as hell lately and when I'm this far down in the black chasm of my soul I could use some compassion and understanding. I could really use his arms wrapped around me telling me it's going to be ok. I could use one night of him really making love to me and putting some fucking effort into his emotions. I feel like the last time that happened we were on what I figured out was ecstasy. I'll take pain over apathy though; those times when I don't feel anything. Apathy is an emotion that brings about suicidal thoughts.