Through The Eyes Of

WTF?

Izzy

"It's over Izzy; until you clean up and act like the person I fell in love with, or at least someone resembling yourself it's done ok?! I can't do this shit anymore; I already told you that! I don't even want to! I don't fucking like dealing with you anymore; you're not even in there! Shit Izzy you're so fucking smacked out that it's not even like we could just be fuck buddies because you can't even fucking feel it and I mean that shit literally and emotionally! I want to be with somebody that I know can actually give a damn about me! You can't fucking feel anything and I don't want to deal with it anymore and I'm not going to so get the fuck away from me!" Axl yells, sitting up and pushing me away from him.

"Axl stop, please don't do this, this isn't what you really want, it's not what I want please Axe," I plead with him.

"That's what you don't fucking seem to get Izzy; it's not about what you want anymore! It's about what I want! Ok? Got that? Me, and what I don't fucking want is to be with a fucking smacked out, loser junkie like you!" Axl screams. His face is turning is red he's so angry and he has this fucking weird look in his eyes; like he's trying to hold onto himself, or maybe onto his sanity.

I sit up on my knees from where he'd pushed me down and I'd landed on my butt and I reach out to him, if I can just get a hold of him I can make him stop this, I can make him stop saying this crazy shit to me about leaving me... "Axl, baby,"

"No! He shrieks, I am not your baby! I am not anything to you now get the fuck away from me you junkie piece of shit!" he yells and sits up on his own knees and throws me backwards into the hard concrete floor and something inside of me breaks. I don't know if it's my heart, my mind, both? Something just snaps and then I can hear some kind of shrieking, keening noise; is that me? What the fuck? Am I making that sound? I don't know, my chest hurts so bad and I think I'm going to die; can't breathe; fuck it hurts; I'm dying; I have to be dying for something to hurt this badly! Something's so broken in my chest; "Axl help me!" I yell only I don't think I'm actually saying it; I think it's in my head.

There's that fucking sound again, that shrieking, destroyed, dying sound...
I clench my eyes shut and everything goes black; or maybe it was black before that? That sound just goes on and on and then Axl's in my face yelling and shaking me. "Stop it! Fucking stop it! Stop it right fucking now Izzy! Shut up and stop making that sound right fucking now!" he screeches above me.

Somebody, (Axl?) is shaking me even harder and then some kind of blinding pain in my jaw; Axl had already hit me there, this hurt so much worse on top of the bruise and my lips gushing blood now, I can taste it and feel it running down the side of my face and onto the floor. But pain, pain in my face and in my chest; more of that high-pitched animal noise, somebody make it stop!
Shrieking, screaming, piercing, dying, shredded; a sound of absolute destruction and my chest hurts so bad! It hurts and I'm bleeding; I'm dying, I know I'm fucking dying "Just let me die! Please fucking just let me die now!" I beg.

Then there's more of that fucking terrible noise and then Axl's yelling in my face again. Axl...please... "God fucking damnit Izzy shut up! Stop it! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Shut up you asshole! Just stop it, stop it stop it!" he screeches and shakes me even harder. Then there's someone or something else making that sound and then pain exploding in my temple and my eye and then a blissful fucking nothing.

The Next Morning

Fuuuck my head hurts. My face hurts, I can't open one of my eyes and my mouth tastes like it's full of blood; what the fuck happened? I groan and open the one eye that seems to work and I'm confronted with sight of Axl's angry green eyes glaring at me from the other side of a bare mattress. Axl...last night; it all comes rushing back. Axl. He doesn't want me; doesn't want a heroin addicted junkie boyfriend; he told me to get out, he's the one who hit me, he's the reason my eye is swollen shit and my chin has dried blood all over it. The only other memory I have is of this awful sound and him screaming "Shut up!" over and over. I try and move but a white hot pain slices through my head. Shit, I'm hung over and he beat me up?

"I know you're fucking awake Izzy," Axl growls.

"Mmmph," is all I can get out. I reach my hand out to touch him but he throws it off and I can feel him sit up.

"You're not staying here. I've got your car keys and I'm driving your ass over to Duff's and leaving you. Don't come after me; don't fucking talk to me until you're clean," he hisses. "I don't know what the fuck happened to you last night but that was the last fucking straw; I'm fucking done with all of this shit. I'm going to go move the car and then I'm going to put you in it. Don't move until I come back; you'll just fall over and kill yourself."

I try and object but my mouth is dry and crusted over with blood He gets up and leaves me there; my car keys in his hand and walks out the door. I don't want to be awake; I don't want to be alive. That crushing fucking depression that overwhelms me every fucking day is back only intensified by knowing Axl isn't mine anymore and the pain in my chest flares up again. I just want to die, I thought I was going to last night but I guess that was just a drunken fantasy.

At least Axl's taking me back to Duff and Slash's apartment; I have smack there; actually I have smack on me right now, there's four loaded syringes in my boots, two in each one. I move my leg up and my hand down to check and see if they're still there or if Axl had found them; he didn't. I slide one of the needles out and open my one good eye enough to see the top of my hand. I slip the needle into one of the veins and get a flashback; bingo. When I can hit a vein on the first try with only one eye it means I've been doing this shit too long and that Axl's right but I don't care. I push the plunger down and sigh in pleasure as the liquid comfort runs through my veins. My face and head don't hurt as bad anymore either but the room is getting a little fuzzy.

Axl comes back in and hauls me up off the mattress and I almost knock us both down because I'm so unsteady on my feet. Axl doesn't ask questions though; he doesn't care if I'm high or hung over or knocked senseless he just drags me/helps me stumble into the passenger seat of my car and then walks around and sits in the driver's seat. He starts the car without even looking at me and drives the few blocks over to Duff and Slash's apartment. When we get there he parks the car right in front of the building and walks the fifteen feet or so to their front door and pounds on it.

Slash answers and Axl tosses him my car keys. "Here," he says, "Izzy's in the car; you deal with him."

"Huh?" Slash grunts and then catches sight of me through my windshield. "What the fuck did you do to him you mother fucker?" Slash snarls and grabs Axl by the neck of his t-shirt. Axl may be a wiry, strong little bastard but Slash has 2-3 inches in height on him and well-muscled arms from playing guitar every day. Duff must have heard something going on because the door to the apartment opens further and he steps out behind Slash and is obviously surprised to see Slash and Axl ready to fight.

"What the fuck is going on?" he almost yells.

"I'm trying to find that out!" Slash growls and shoves Axl up against the wall outside of their front door. This will be interesting.