Through The Eyes Of

It's Hard to Love a Junkie

Axl

Have you ever been so fucking mad that you just want to hurt somebody? Just fucking beat them black and blue until they feel your pain? Marinate them in that shit? Yeah, that's pretty much where I am at this point. One fucking guess as to who I would like to unleash the fury of hell on; well first and foremost anyway. But fuck all of them. I'll just go get myself another band. Yeah, I mean it's my voice people hear not those fucking bastards behind me. Each and every one of those fuckers are replaceable.

I mean what the fuck is wrong with everybody? Why do they all act like its no big deal if Izzy is a goddamn junkie? Hello people! Junkie I said!! In what goddamn alternate world is this shit fucking ok? Am I the only mother fucker that thinks maybe, just fucking maybe, this is a bad fucking idea? And Izzy says I'm fucking crazy? Well from where I'm sitting it looks like I'm the sanest of the bunch. At least I know a fucking junkie is a disaster waiting to happen. And I sure as hell didn't want front row seats to the event.

I know Izzy. If we ever make it in this business and actually have money coming in, he'd shoot it all into his fucking arm. He'd probably be just like Nikki Sixx who Slash claims to know. Yeah that guy was a huge junkie/cokehead/alcoholic. And Izzy was over halfway there. I should have MADE him stop. I should have tied him up and gagged him until long after all thoughts about heroin were gone just for safe fucking measure.

Don't think that I don't get Izzy and his drug habit, because I do. Ive been there before. I did it to bury what I felt inside, which was mostly rage. But I saw how it changed me, and not for the better. Then I found it brought much more relief to just uncap the rage every once in a while. I suppose Izzy got the brunt end of most of my venting; which in turn probably doesn't help with his problem.

Izzy just hates to feel anything I think. He just cant fucking handle it, or just plain can't be bothered. So he numbs himself with fucking smack. Heroin takes away his emotions. He's always dull and quiet. Well, he has his moments, but for the most part. And I'm so tired of seeing his smacked out eyes!

I miss when we were young before Izzy left for LA. When he smiled he fucking glowed. But now when he smiles it's not bright. Izzy used to smile so much more. But the heroin robbed him of that. Even the way he touches me has changed. Its just outright changed him. Stolen him. All thats left is a shell that looks like Izzy and talks like Izzy.

I just can't do this shit anymore. I think I need some time away from Izzy to hopefully see a bigger picture. Being around him doesn't allow me the opportunity to step outside of the situation for a better look. It just made me want to strangle him in his fucking sleep.

Then there's this goddamn Slash kid. He wants Izzy, I'm not fucking stupid. He probably flirts with him every chance he gets! That wasn't some friendly hug, that was an "I'd fuck your brains out if I could," hug. And I wouldn't put it past Izzy to get fucked up enough to make it happen.

Izzy had changed so much over the years. He wasn't the guy I fell in love with. I mean, I still loved him, but it was just different now. It's very hard to be with a junkie. The lying is what I hate the most. Him never having any feelings was also something I truly hated.

I storm into our apartment and cut on the light sending the roaches scampering for safety. I'm in the bedroom stuffing my shit in a bag when Izzy comes in. His smacked out eyes look at me packing.

"Come on Axe, Don't do this shit."

I pause what I'm doing and look up at him. "You just don't get it Izzy. You have no clue what it's like watching the person you love turn into a junkie. You don't have to live with the worry. I check to see if you're still breathing every night at least a dozen fucking times! I'm constantly wondering when you'll overdose because all junkies do at some point. You think I want to find you like that? And the lies...you never used to lie to me Izz."

"I'm not some junkie living in an alley and sucking off strangers to make cash to go score. You're being a little dramatic," he says.

I reach up and grasp his arms, "Then fucking get clean...please. I need my Izzy back. I miss him."

"Axe, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere," he sighs.

"But you're not right here! You left a long Goddamn time ago!" I throw my hands up. "I need some time away from you."

"What the fuck are you talking about...time away?" He asked behind scrunched brows.

"I mean away, separate addresses."

"Come on Darlin, you don't mean that," he says and tries to stroke my cheek.

I grab his wrist. "Yes Izzy, I do."

"But...but where will you go?" He asks softly.

"The rehearsal space on Gardner," I say and continue packing my shit. "Maybe now you can get a piece of Curly Sue without me interrupting."

"Axl, I already told you, Slash told you, even fucking Duff told you, there's nothing going on between me and Slash"

"Well don't let me interrupt you changing that," I say jerking up my bag and storming for the door.

"Axe wait, please don't do this. I love you and only you. And you love me."

I glance at him over my shoulder. "Yes I love the Izzy I used to know...not this one." I shake my head and storm out the door slamming it behind me.