Through The Eyes Of

How to Save a Life

Two weeks pass after Axl and I have our confrontation in the alley. Two weeks in which I consider getting clean but decide that if we have to be apart I'm really not interested; I need the smack to at least take the edge off of the jagged hole that's left inside of me. Maybe that's a selfish way to look at things; I guess I could look at it like I should try and make myself a better person or something so he'll think I'm worth being with but fuck that shit! If Axl didn't love me for who I was take it or leave it then I wasn't interested! If he wasn't going to be with me then I was going to numb the pain and any other emotion that I might think of having. I felt nothing; no happiness, no sadness, no anger, nothing. The only emotion that even slightly registered was the pain where Axl used to be and even that was down to an annoying twinge. I spend my nights dealing and my days lounging around and sleeping in an inebriated haze with Slash or Slash and Duff; depending on whose home.

If Duff's home I mostly sleep 1) so he and Slash can be alone and fuck and not wonder if I'm listening which yeah, if I'm awake I'm listening, it's a small apartment, and 2) Duff doesn't like me getting high period so he doesn't need to know quite how fucked up I really am. If it's only Slash and me at home I get so high I can barely stand up straight and spend the afternoon drifting in and out of sleep while we watch stupid shit on TV and he reads. He's actually gotten me reading every now and then too; Stephen King and vampire novels Sometimes we sit around and analyze this garbage. We have band practice every night and we're getting better and better. We have a Friday night show booked this week at the Roxy! A Friday night show! It's pay to play so we've been hitting up everyone we know to buy tickets and to get their friends to buy tickets and we're almost sold out! People have heard of us and have watched us play during the week and they actually like the music; we're getting to be pretty big on the club circuit!

The fact that we seem to be moving upwards in the music business is one of the only things that makes me happy and there are very few of those things. Three in fact: 1. Music
2. Angela who has come back to see me a few times since the night I pretended to fuck her and gave her boyfriend free dope. She's cute and she's funny and she asks way too many questions but I like her and I think she likes me and she's a good kisser; I just don't want her to fall for me because my heart still belongs to Axl.

3.Slash and Duff, mostly Slash. They're the best friends a guy could have. They gave me a place to stay and went out and bought me a blanket and pillow and freaking bed sheets. They let me take over their couch and they've never complained, not once where I could hear anyway. I also just feel really close to the kid; he's a good listener and he doesn't judge me for my drug use or anything else. He just warns me to be careful every now and then hangs out with me we work on songs.

Slash and Duff and I worked out a beat and bass, rhythm, and lead guitar parts for "Don't Cry" and that took less than an hour. We make a great team. Put guitars in our hands and magic is what flows out. Also, I have a guilty secret about the kid: I would totally fuck his brains out. I want to wrap those black curls around my hand and fuck him senseless! It's killing me because I hear Duff doing it every night and I jack off to their sex noises. I need to get laid for real and get this shit off of my mind because it isn't going to happen! Slash belongs to Duff and I'm not fucking that up, even my dirty little mind isn't going to fuck it up!

I must be lost in thought and that's not a good thing to be around 3:00am in a dark alley in downtown LA.. A shadow is standing in front of me where I'm squatting on the ground and a gun is pointed straight at my head. I look up and the hammer clicks; cocking the gun. It's the guy who brought Angela here and traded her to me for dope. "Where the fuck's Angie?" he growls.

"How the fuck would I know?" I snarl back at him. "What am I, her fucking keeper? Thought that was your job asshole." I just sit there, staring the guy in the face; willing myself not to move, not to show fear. Inside I'm a terrified, screaming mess. But I just take a deep breath and stare the guy straight in the eye. I haven't seen Angela since yesterday and I don't know where she is," I tell the fucker in a flat, steady voice.