Through The Eyes Of

Even Remembwring Withdrawl is Bad

Izzy

Slash is a strung out mess. He sleeps through us getting him out of the storage unit and into the hotel room; he just sort of stirs in Duff's arms and buries his face in Duff's blonde hair and passes out again. I peel the covers back on one of the double beds and Duff lays Slash down and peels his clothes off down to his underwear; the less puke or piss covered clothing we have to deal with the better. He covers him back up and lays down next to him on top of the bed spread. Duff strokes the kid's curls back out of his face and kisses his cheek.

I feel terrible for him. I walked into our rehearsal/living space about a half an hour before I came back in with Axl and neither Duff nor Slash saw me. Slash had turned into a furious, hateful little fiend and was calling Duff an alcoholic mother fucker that pimped him out and Duff was just sitting in front of him on the bed taking it all and crying. Slash had thrashed around so much that his wrists were bloody and bruised and a sheen of sweat covered his naked torso. I knew exactly what was going on and I felt so bad for getting Slash started on smack no matter what my reason was. I knew something bad must have happened or Duff obviously wouldn't have him tied to the bed. I snuck back out and went to find Axl because I knew he would have some valium to calm Slash down and knock him out and also to save both of them the embarrassment of knowing that I saw and heard the whole thing.

When I came back the second time Slash had gone silent and Duff was just sitting against the wall staring at a spot somewhere between him and the ceiling. I joked about it being easier to have sex with Slash naked but it didn't get any laughs; not that I really expected it to, I was just breaking the tension. Hope flashed in Slash's eyes when he saw me; he knew that I couldn't deny him very much, I almost always gave in to him no matter what he wanted. I had only stopped supplying him because Duff had asked me to. "Izzy," he pleaded, "please give me some smack, there's money in my bag over there; Duff tied me up and said I can't leave because he doesn't want me using anymore; he doesn't understand; I'm getting so sick! Please Izzy!" Tears rolled down his pretty cheeks and which caused tears to roll down Duff's cheeks and the two of them crying made me want to kill myself with guilt.

I felt like so much of what happened to the two of them was my fault; I had let Duff go with the guys who raped him even though I knew they would probably try something with him, I had gotten the kid hooked on smack as a mental and physical pain killer. I should never have given him any; not that night at Nikki's, not to help him get through what he had to do with those guys from Virgin, not to help him kill the pain after that one guy really hurt him and he wouldn't go to the hospital and he was hiding it from Duff because he was the one who was supposed to be caring for Duff at the time and not the other way around.

I want to give in so badly and shoot him up; take away the nausea and other horrible things I know he's feelling. When you go through withdrawl your skin crawls, you sweat, you can't regulate your body temperature, you panic, things that didn't ever give you anxiety suddenly freak you the hell out, it's the worst thing ever. "How long has it been kid?" I ask him, squatting down beside him to get a good look at him.

"Since about dark yesterday, please Izzy please!" he begs.

"I found him passed out in a gutter after somebody robbed him! He's all strung out; DO NOT let him go and don't give him smack!" Duff growls and I have no doubt that if I attempt to do either he'll knock me the fuck out.

I shake my head at Slash and watch the hope of relief disintegrate in his eyes. "It's better if you sleep through this part kid," I tell him as Axl hands me a bunch of valium. "Eat them like candy, they're even a little sweet," I coax him and push them past his lips. He chews them up and swallows them and I get him to drink a little water from a bottle Duff has laying on the bunk. I sit and talk to him for a few minutes while Axl distracts Duff and walks him across the alley to take a piss at the gas station. When they come back we stick around about 20 more minutes until Slash gets sleepy then the belt from around his wrists and let him sleep.