Crowded Room

45. Numb

Shawn has lost count of how many people he had to hug that afternoon, how many faces he doesn’t remember ever seeing offered him their condolences. He’s not sure how many of them were sincere though, his father had a lot of people wanting to get on his good side, but he was almost sure none of them were actual friends with him. The number of businessmen spoke volumes, it was pretty clear everyone was wondering about the label.

 “ Shawn?” Camila’s voice comes out in a whisper, pulling him away from his thoughts as they sit down at a bench after everyone else had already left. “ Do you want to leave now?”

 He looks down at his girlfriend, her gorgeous chocolate eyes bringing him some comfort after the events of the day. He just nodded, not even knowing how to use his voice at this point. He just felt paralyzed since he first got the call the night before and heard Amy saying those words, telling him his father was gone. However, numbness was all he felt, he couldn’t even bring himself to cry.

 Camila stood up and took his hand in hers, interlocking their fingers and making him follow her to his car. Her grandparents were waiting for them by the car, they were supposed to leave the city this afternoon, but decided to stay to help with anything they could. Charli had already left with the rest of their friends, but her mother, Shawn’s aunt, was still there. She had been the one to take care of all the details, after all, it was her brother’s funeral.

 “ Are you ready to leave?” Camila’s grandma asked, touching Shawn’s arm gently, trying to comfort him. “ You can stay as long as you need to, sweetheart.”

 Shawn just shook his head, not knowing how to react to anything at this point.

 “ I think he just wants to go home, grandma.” Camila squeezes his hand before opening the backdoor of the car so Shawn can get in. His aunt seems really worried about him, but she knows him enough to know she shouldn’t push it. Camila assures her she’ll stay with him, so they say their goodbyes and her grandpa drives them to his apartment.

 Camila’s grandparents stay for a while, her grandma making them some tea and something to eat while Camila makes Shawn take shower. He just lays down in his bed and doesn’t drink or eat anything, falling asleep as she runs her fingers through his hair. Camila walks back into the kitchen after a few minutes to talk to her grandparents, who are drinking tea while talking in whispers, trying not to disturb Shawn.

 “ How is he?” Her grandpa asks, sounding really concerned. It was pretty obvious to anyone who looked at Shawn that he wasn’t doing well.

 “ He’s sleeping.” She says, taking a seat next to her grandma on the table.

 “ Has he eaten?” Her grandma asks and Camila shakes her head. “ We can stay longer, honey. We don’t have to leave tomorrow if you need us.”

 “ No, that’s not necessary.” Camila says. “ But thank you. I just think he needs some space right now.”

 “ Were they close?” The older woman asks with curiosity. “ I know that doesn’t say much, but he didn’t cry once. That can’t be good, Camila.”

 Camila sighs, knowing Shawn is keeping everything he’s feeling inside and at some point, he will have to let it all out.

 “ They had a really complicated relationship.” Camila says quietly.

 “ I’m sure he’ll be able to put things behind him now.” Her grandpa says with caution.

 “ No, I think you guys didn’t understand.” She whispers, not wanting Shawn to hear anything in case he wakes up. “ Shawn hated his dad. I’m not even sure you could call him a real father. He made Shawn and his mom suffer so much and I can’t even imagine what he’s feeling right now. He must be so confused.”

 Her grandma takes her hand and pulls her for a hug, holding her for a few minutes as Camila keeps thinking of how to help her boyfriend. She drinks some tea to make herself calmer too and when her grandparents are gone, she lays down next to Shawn and holds him. She can tell he’s awake already, but he clearly doesn’t feel like talking yet, so she lets her touches reassure him that she’s there next to him no matter what.

 Camila doesn’t even realize how tired she was until she wakes up from a nap in an empty bed. Her hands try to reach for Shawn, but he’s not there. In fact, he’s not in his bedroom anymore as she sits up and looks around for him. He’s not in the bathroom either, so Camila silently walks to the living room, finding him seated by the piano. His fingers are hovering over the keys, but he doesn’t seem to have the courage to actually play anything.

 Walking to where he is, Camila takes a seat next to him and kisses his shoulder, making him look at her with a lost expression. It’s almost like he’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel in a situation like this.

 “ Do you want to talk about it?” She asks carefully, running her hand up and down his arm.

 “ I don’t know.” He finally speaks after hours of just silence and Camila sighs in relief for being able to hear his voice again. “ I’m so confused, Camila.”

 “ I know you are.” She takes his hand in hers and gently kisses his skin.

 She watches as he reaches for a framed picture over the piano with his free hand, one of his mother smiling at the camera. His fingers pull the picture out of the frame, revealing a purposefully hidden picture underneath it. She could see a smiling Shawn as a kid and his father as a younger man and even though they look happily at the camera, Camila can tell by the way Shawn is looking at it that it only brings him painful memories.

 He pulls his hand from hers and she tries to take it again, but instead, she flinches when he throws the frame across the room with an amount of strength she didn’t know he had. It lands against the wall and the sound of the glass breaking is really loud in her ears, but then she hears something even louder. Her arms immediately wrap around Shawn as he starts sobbing desperately, holding her tightly as if she was the only thing keeping him above water.

 “ He never made... an effort to be a good dad... and now I’m supposed... to feel sad that he’s gone.” His words are spaced between his sobs as Camila lets him get his feelings out, his head resting on her chest. “ I hate it even more that I do feel sad about it! I don’t want to! He doesn’t deserve for me to feel like this, Camila.”

 “ It’s okay for you to feel like that. I wouldn’t expect anything less, baby.” She whispers in his ear as her hand goes up and down his back.

 “ I hate that even when he’s dead, he’s still making me feel like this. He still finds a way of getting to me, of fucking with my head.” Suddenly his words are gone again and he’s crying even harder against her chest. “ I hate him so much, Camila.”

 Camila doesn’t even try to stop her own tears, there was no way she wouldn’t cry while seeing him like this. She lets him get it all out, knowing this is exactly what he needs. He might never admit it out loud, but she knows what’s affecting him the most is the fact that he’ll never get to see his father changing and trying to be a real dad for him. She knows deep down he had hopes of that happening one day, and to be honest, she had it too.