2/3/13
Jusr to be clear, No, we dont "sleep together." he sleeps on the floor of my room, on the couch, or if we fight bad enough, at his house . Call me old fashioned, but i believe in abstinence until marriage. I had planned to stay a virgin until marriage. That was taken away from me, but i wont do it willingly until im sure hes the one. Until he changes my last name. Michale, although not as one track minded, always respected my wants. He and i share the same faith, but boys want what they want.
When i was little, i prayed for a man just like my daddy. I never realised he would live next door, or be my best friend, or that he would sweep me off my feet (a little to litteraly) and make me fall this hard for him. We say i love you, and although people say it "to often" or "not enough" i didnt say it until we had been together a year. He said it to me almost every day, but he never asked for it back.
That's just the man i love, he never stops caring, never stops loving, never stops trying. Even when you leave him hanging at prom after he says i love you.
Second date seemed to early for me, but for him, it wasnt soon enough. He said it after an hour of dancing, 2 hours of diner, and one horrible hour of his mom taking pictures (after which i couldnt feel my face from smiling.) i knew i felt it, but after losing my dad, even saying it to cali was hard. Sure i felt it, but i was scared of losing her. I ran outside, crying, feeling guilty. I hated myself for not saying it back. He ran out after me, and found me sitting under the bleachers where we had kissed in 6th grade. He was my first kiss (and the one kiss i didnt regret) i heard him coming, but assumed it was markis, coming to check on me. When he reached me, he wrapped his arms around me gently and kissed the top of my head. "are you okay love? " he asked as he wrapped tighter around me.
"im so sorry" i whispered, the guilt and shame audible in my voice.
"i didnt... I mean i dont expect you to say it back yet." he said honestly.
"i know you need time, and i know how hard this is for you, but i just needed you to know. If i waited any longer, i might have screamed." he said, chuckling a bit.
"i have loved you since the first day of 2nd grade, and i hope you know, that will NEVER change. You will always have me, wether i hate u, or u hate me, i will always protect and love you the best i can baby."
He said, sounding sincere, yet cheesy.
I started to say something, until he kissed me. Not just a peck on the bleachers, but a kiss. The kind that makes u see fireworks. The kind that isnt just a spark, its a forrest fire. I knew then i would love him forever. I found the perfect man, just like my father. I took a while to say it, but from then on, he knew i felt it.
We broke up 8 months after, we had different plans and we both knew long distance wouldn't work. He wanted to stay in shaysum, Missouri, I wanted to go to college in Florida. He wanted to work for the department for the rest of his life, I wanted to travel, see everything. Biggest problem? He wanted children, i cant have any. He always told me he would always love me, kids or not. But michale was meant to be a dad. He wanted it so badly, but was willing to give that up for me. I wouldn't let him do that.
We parted... Roughly.
He was mad, we fought, things were said that hurt eachother. We hadnt talked in a year until last may. They say tragedy brings people together, and God works in mysterious ways. Now im raising a child in shaysum with the man of my dreams, and work in a mechanics shop. Sometimes i think i couldnt be happier, other times i question why god hadnt taken me. But i know He has a plan. So now i just need to rember that.
I can't explain it... I just have always felt safe with michale. Even when all of my security seemed lost. He makes me feel human. I cant believe he made me feel this way, from the beginging i trusted him.
It makes no sense to me. But that's part of why i love him.
"Baby!"
"you scared me!" i yelled, hitting michale in the arm playfully.
"I just dropped cali off and since we both dont have work today, i figured we could bomb around until it was time to pick her up."
"Michale Ryan Shames, are you proposing a date?" i asked, with mock surprise.
"but of course, my lady deserves i day out, and who better than me to take you?" he asked, with fake cockiness.
"oh i think i could think of a few people" i teased with a wink and a mischievous smile.
He picked me up, spun me around, and kissed me. I felt him smile, and i giggled at the tickle of his beard as he moved.
"what about now?" he asked, sure of himself.
"hmmmm..." i pretended to think, tapping my chin. "if i say you are my number one choice, will you carry me all the way to the car?" i asked with puppy dog eyes.
"for you, anything." he said, laughing as he began to carry me out.
He did it with such ease, it amazes me the strength he has, and yet he is such a sweeheart. Hes a mess of contradictions, that one.
When he reached the front door,he switched me from bridal style to over his shoulder, as i screamed in suprise.
"put me back!" i laughed, hitting his back as he ran to the car with me.
"this is why i dont wear dresses" i scoffed, giggling.
"i wouldnt do that to you in a dress" he lied.
"You did at the dance!" i half yelled, half laughed.
"okay, okay" he said, putting his hands up as a sign of surrender.
"guilty as charged" he laughed.
"Let's go", i smiled, buckling myself in.
He grabbed my hand, and squeezed.
"lets go" he said with a smile i couldnt quite trust.
This is gonna be fun.
