"Some how, I still feel like explaining what is going on between me and jason is... Crazy. I never meant to fall in love with this man, but sometimes, that's just how life works. God as a strange sense of humor.
That being as it may, he is the best decision I've ever made. He makes me happy, puts cali and I first, never tries to force me into anything, and always does his best to make sure we know how much he cares. I can't imagine a better man.
Althoug marriage seems like the next step, cali has to come first... What exactly should I do for her, because it's been a year since... That night, and I think you know better than I do that I need this little girl in my life."
He stared at me, his face distressed, yet unreadable.
The suspence was killing me.
"This is the most happy I've seen you, and I hate to do this now, but if you really want Cali, you need to talk about that night. With your mother?" he said apologetically. The man ment well, and I'd come to like him since things began to look up for me. I didn't feel sad anymore when I looked at Cali. All I felt was pride and joy. He changed me. But this was one of the few times when I hated him again.
His words sunk in slowly, draining my spirit as I thought back to that night. I felt dread... But I knew it was time to let it out.
"... It was about midnight when I heard a loud crash from downstairs... I immediately ran into Cali's room, wrapping my arms around her tightly. My heart was pounding so damn loud, I could hardly see straight, each pump blurring my vision that much more. I couldn't cry, but I wanted to so badly. I wanted to curl into a ball and never get up again. But I was the only one who could do anything anymore. My dad had died a while ago... There was no one left after me... I guess I felt responsible, like if I couldn't fix everything, my mom and cali would never forgive me." I paused, breathing deeply to avoid crying. It took every ounce of my self control not to break down and cry. This was like going through hell, burning my whole body as if I had fireball running through them.
"I ran down stairs, ordering cali to stay where she was. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I saw my mom laying on the floor, not breathing. I ran twords her, dropping on to my knees. That's when I noticed the pool of blood growing around her head... I ran my fingers through her hair, and my hand found a wet warmth beneath her head. She had been hit over the head by a glass plate, which lay shattered on the ground. Most of the originally white plate was red with blood, laying in pieces all over the ground.
The sight of it would have been poetic if it hadn't been so real. It reminds me now of the paintings I used to see in books in history class, depicting a massacre.
Her face was calm, as if she was never there. It broke my heart to know how things had ended... We had fought a few hours earlier, and the last thing I said to her was..." I paused, trying to stop the tears that had begun to fall from my eyes.
Why did I have to cry like this? Dammit.
"the last thing I said to her was I wish I had never been born, then I'd never be your problem.
We had fought over me going to friends houses and never being home. How I was always a pain in the ass to deal with.
The worst part, she was right. I was a pain in the ass, and she put up with me. I regret so much.
That was when everything went black.
When I woke up, he was laughing at me. Saying I was asking for it. He had already taken everything from me, cali was the one thing I had left. He took me mom, my virginity, my feelings, and my sense of safety... But I still had cali." I paused, avoiding eye contact and muffling my crying and sniffing with a tissue. This was my hell, and I was now emersed in it. I was drowning.
"He left, his hands grazing my face one more time. His eyes kept moving over me, like I was a mean kids toy he had broken. Like I was a monument that stood for everything he despised, and he had finally caused it to crumble.
After that I called 911, and I remember just screaming into the phone. I felt truly broken. I ran upstairs to cali, wrapped my arms around her and watched her as I told them that I had been hurt and so had my mom. I hadn't let myself believe she was gone.
Cali looked up at me and asked where's mommy? As softly as she could. She was trying to understand something I couldn't even understand. I remember looking down to her face, streaked with tears, amd whispering he took her. But God knows what to do baby, it's gonna be okay.
I know I was trying to convince myself more than her, but I had so much hate. Amd anger. I will never forget his face.
He looked like he'd truly won... He never knew cali was in the house. If I could thank God for two things that night, it was keeping me alive, and keeping her safe." I paused, feeling completely defeated, but knowing I wasn't doing this for him. This was for cali. Not for me or Michale or Jason or anyone else... This was for the one person who I couldn't stand to let down. She was what mattered.
I never really recovered from that experience until Jason. Michale ignored it, just like everybody else, including me. Jason was the one who never stopped forcing me to remember. He forced me to see myself, not as broken, but as hurt. I felt worthless, he showed me I was truly wanted. He showed me that raising cali wouldn't fix me. I had to be fixed to raise her. And that was when I started trying to open up to you.
I returned to church, and brought Jason with me. He changed too, and cali has grown so much, in so many ways. I'm finally truly happy, and thats all thanks to you and Jason and Cali.
I may not forget, but I forgave. Hating him doesn't make him any less happy, or sorry. He's in jail, and that's enough for me.
It still hurts, But I can't change things. My mom is still gone. But cali is still here, and I can do this. I can raise her."
I stopped, drying my face and refusing to cry any more.
He looked at me with pride, and I knew I had finally given him what I'd held on to for so long. I felt so much lighter. That was it.
"... Why do you still feel responsible for cali?" he said softly, breaking the calming silence.
"She is my sister. When I felt like the world would crush me and I wouldn't be missed if I ended it all, she was there. She held me to the ground. It's my turn, and I want her so badly. Don't mistake this for guilt, I want her because she is the person God gave me for family, and if you take her away, I will understand... But she won't." I whispered, dropping my eyes away from him.
"can I be honest with you?" he asked, looking at me straight but softly.
"When we met, you didn't like me, or therapy. You were angry, guilty, ashamed, and felt responsible for her. That was all.
Now I see a woman who is proud, accomplished, shameless, guiltless, and wants Her. You are the best person for her. Good luck, you are now her legal guardian." He said with pride, beaming with a huge smile.
"thank you so much." I whispered, looking at him meaningfully.
I hugged him, refusing to let go for a minute, feeling my heart race and my toes tingle with hope. I did it. I got her.
"... Can I still come here sometimes?" I asked quietly, hoping he wanted me to come back. He had become something of a father figure for me.
He paused, looking at me levely.
"Of course." he smiled, walking twords the door.
"but this is the start of a new life for you. Take care of it." he said, opening the door for me.
Walking out, everything looked so much brighter. The session had lasted almost 20 minutes. Hardly long enough for us usually, but as I opened the door, I saw Jason waiting for me, leaning on the truck. He was holding cali on his shoulders, smiling so big he would have broken his face.
"You're all mine." I said softly, running up to hug cali.
She smiled, knowing this was permanent for once.
I had prepared her for the possibility of not living with me, but ghe relief on her face showed how scared she was, despite the brave face she had shown me. She really was like me, always put on a brave face. She would be alright with us.
Time to start our lives.
Ps, not the end:)
