"Im screwed," I whispered to nicole, trying not to let cali hear me.
She laughed and slapped my arm.
"jason, God isn't going to smite you in church, you aren't that bad!" she smiled, trying to close the subject.
"hmmm... Lets see, partying, premarital sex, under age drinking, cussing, anger, hitting michale..." I rambled on, naming as many things as I could.
"stop," she said, putting her hand to my lips. "you made mistakes, but that is why we're here. I made some too, and i need a free conscious." she said, poking me hard in the chest.
"I'll never have a clear conscious." I mumbled, looking back to the road.
"...why?" she asked, honestly confused.
I know I shouldn't be annoyed, but anyone who knew me, knew I was a screw up. There was no forgiving me anymore.
"really, you have to ask?" I snapped angrily.
She put her hand on my leg, looking hard at me.
"yes. I have to ask because you have been forgiven. The only person who blames you, is your self! So stop feeling guilty for all of it! Your 21 now, we're not having sex, we all get angry"(like she was now) "and michale screwed with me. You were being the best man you could be by defending me. So stop. Don't blame yourself, blame me!" she had begun to yell a bit, but cali stayed asleep, she looked like an angel. Nothing like her sister, yet still beautiful.
"I cant blame the one person I feel most guilty for hurting." I whispered, refusing to make eye contact with her.
I could feel the tears burning my eyes, but I couldn't let them fall.
Although I didn't look up, I could feel her staring at me.
"we talked about this. Im okay. A mistake was made, but that doesn't mean I cant or won't forgive you. I forgave you the moment you said you were sorry. Stop being so damn sorry for something only you are upset about anymore!!!" she said, going from a whisper to a yell.
I stayed quiet until finally, she kissed me, looking at me with guilt.
"I didn't to yell. Im sorry. I just hate how guilty you feel, knowing I can't make you feel any better. Let me help. Let yourself off the damn hook. It's okay." she said before turning on the radio and staring out the window at the rain.
I should have shut up... Saying that was a bad idea... She just makes me feel... I dont know, she makes me happy, and feel so amazing, until i remember that I messed up. I hit her. I hurt the one person in my life who actually cared. Why? Because im a jack ass, and an idiot, and... She deserves better, but for some reason, she loves me. The one person she has no reason to love. Damn, im a lucky man. I just need to show her, i need to make her as happy as possible.
She is so beautiful, and she still doesn't see it. How can she not see this? You can see it when she looks in the mirror. She hardly notices how beautiful she is. Even when I tell her every day. Sometimes I wonder if she even knows how much I mean it.
I think im always going to feel guilty, but i feel so much more than that. I feel love, adoration, happiness, joy, pride, and so much more. I just love her. But if i say it now, she'll run. Commitment scares her, and I love her enough to make sure she doesn't run. I know I can't force her to say, but I won't give her any more reasons than she already has.
"If I could forgive amd forget, I would, but we both know that it isn't that easy to do that. I am trying. Please, just know that." I said as we pulled into the parking lot.
"I know" she whispered, undoing her seat belt. "I just get tired of hearing how sorry you are because of a mistake you made so long ago, and i forgave you for. I know you are trying, but I hope you figure out how to forgive soon." she said, sighing as she got cali out of th car and woke her up.
We walked in, hand in hand. I could tell i had upset her by the way her face showed off a dimple she had when she was trying to be "well behaved." you wouldn't notice it unless you knew her well. I had seen that look alot, but I couldn't take back what I said. I regret so much, but i have to let it go. For her.
"Please stand in worship." the lead singer said softly, holding an electric guitar. I hadn't been to this church before, but all around me there were people who were tattooed, burly, dressed in leather, long hair, and scary. This wasn't a formal church, I soon found out.
The first song was "come as you are" by nirvana... Odd, but the message was clear. They intended to show that here, your looks or background, mistakes, or failures didn't matter. After that we sang "broken together" and after about 20 minutes of singing rock songs, everyone yelling and having fun, I began to loosen up. Then a man came up, tattooed everywhere, yet dressed in a button up shirt and slacks came on.
"please bow your heads in prayer." he said, smiling at us warmly.
"dear God, I pray today that you heal these broken hearts here, and show them truth. Show them that love isn't earned, but given freely. Please let them be free and show that they are forgiven, for that is the way of your love. Amen." he finished as we all looked up.
I glanced up at nicole, and she smiled. For some reason, this message was just for me. He spoke about love and compassion, and told the story of Saul. After an hour, i was crying... Damn it, just what I needed.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned around.
"Can we talk outside?" a huge man whispered, his eyes dark and hurt. He looked like he could snap me in half... Would you tell a man like that no?
"um... Sure." I said quietly, putting cali on nicole and getting up.
She smiled at me as I stood, she knew something I didn't... This is gonna be interesting.
I turned around just in time to notice that he was almost already out the door. I guess he was determined to prove he was just more capable of scaring the shit out of me than I thought.
As i followed, no one looked up at me, as if trying to avoid making me uncomfortable. This church was unlike any other, and I loved it. Until this scary man decided to ask me to have a "talk" with him... I hope he doesn't want to kill me. Because honestly, he could.
"hey, so you're jason, right?" he asked with a genuine smile as we walked over to what I assumed was his truck.
"that's what they tell me!" i said, trying to make a joke and hide my fear... What he said next showed i didn't hide it well.
"Call me butch, and I'm here to talk with you about forgiveness." he said, looking less scary when he was outside in the sun.
"ah, did Nicole ask you to do this?" i asked, a bit annoyed.
"so, Nicole and I have spoken on a few occasions about what has happened in the past between you two, but I didn't come on her recommendation, but on my own. Or rather, the church's.
We have taken quite a liking to Nicole and little cali, and incase you hadn't noticed, we are a rough around the edges kind of place. Meaning half of these people are recovering convicts who dont mind jail for the ones they love." he said, his face hard as stone.
"that aside, I want to talk to you. Listen, I've been where you are. Guilt is going to last as long as you let it. Don't let it eat at you like this. Guilt is nessicary to show that you did something wrong. God gave it to us to allow us to understand our wrong doings, but after a certain point, it becomes a form of self pity. You not only make everyone sympathize with you, you make her feel guilty. She did nothing wrong." he paused, his eyes becoming shiny and glazed.
"she loves you, man. She forgave you and you are the only one who struggles with what happened. I wasn't so lucky, my wife left me, and I lost it. I was in a downward spiral and knew there was no way out but through christ. He took the guilt away from me. I want you to take this." he said, handing me a necklace with a small metal blue cross made of steel.
"this was the first thing i received from the church. And now, it is yours. Whenever you feel guilt, hold this, and pray. It gave me peace. I hope it will do the same for you." he was crying now, although his voice refused to shake and his face was expressionless. All you could tell from was a tear that slid down his cheek.
I didn't know what to do, but I took the cross.
"thank you." I whispered, looking away from him.
I couldn't look at him without crying. And she always can tell if I have been.
"just treat her right. Or I'll have to kill you." he said, getting up and walking back inside.
I stayed out there for a few more minutes, trying to gain my composure. But I felt lighter. Better somehow. Something changed. I hope it stays like that.
